HILLSBORO, OREGON – Gregory “Moss Man” Liascos was arraigned today at Hillsboro County courthouse on charges of burglary and criminal mischief. The charges stem from his pre-dawn arrest in a wooded area outside the Rice Northwest Museum of Rocks and Minerals where Mr. Liascos was found disguised as a large lump of moss. Though investigators say nothing was stolen from the museum, they believe the ‘Moss Man’ had previously cut a hole in one of the museum walls and was planning a break-in.
At the arraignment, Moss Man’s attorney said his client is not guilty by reason of insanity. When he added that his client had been driven completely insane by actor Charlie Sheen’s wig, the courtroom erupted with gasps and murmurs, prompting the Judge to aggressively pound his gavel.
Attorney Claude Baines told the court that his client had been a fan of the hit television series ‘Two and a Half Men’ for years. But it wasn’t until late last year that he began getting messages from Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece. Recently the hairpiece instructed him to break into the rock and mineral museum and steal the “Talking Petrified Log.” His instructions were to spend several nights laying near the museum camouflaged as a hill of moss. Once he felt it was safe he was to enter the museum, quietly procure the talking log and then ship it to Charlie Sheen’s trailer on the set of his new show Anger Management.
Moss Man was detected by a police dog just before dawn in a wooded area outside the museum. Police said the dog was relieving himself on a mound of moss and was startled when the moss moved. The Moss Man cried out when the dog bit him, drawing the attention of police.
Moss Man’s attorney said his client was only attempting to fulfill the demands of Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece.
“My client harbors no malice toward the museum. His only crime is falling under the spell of what appears to be a malicious and conniving toupee.”
When news of Moss Man’s defense hit the airwaves, people from around the country declared that they too had been driven insane by Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece. Dumont Sullivan of St. Louis told reporters that Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece made him purchase cocaine.
“I was watching a Two and a Half Men rerun when Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece told me to go and buy cocaine. I’d never bought any cocaine before, but the hairpiece told me that I could find some downtown in an alley behind a garage. Sure enough, when I got there some fella asked me if I was lookin’ to buy cocaine. So I bought some and began snorting it in my car. Next thing I know, I’m surrounded by cops. If that hairpiece could tell me where to get cocaine, why couldn’t it warn me about the cops?”
“My wife and I were watching a Two and a Half Men rerun when Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece told me to drink lots of liquor and then smack my wife around. I was headed to the liquor cabinet when my wife stopped me.”
Mrs. Hamer interjected.
“I heard what Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece told my husband. When he started for the liquor cabinet I yelled out ‘Oh no you don’t! Huh-uh! You try and smack me around and you’ll be wearing your ass for a hat, Mister!”
Dirk said he and his wife agreed to watch the Weather channel instead of Two and a Half Men.
“Mr. Sheen has a full head of his original hair that is unable to talk or send messages. If you asked his famous father if Charlie’s hair is real, he’d respond with a resounding and emphatic Yes! Since Charlie wears his own hair he is unable to comment on charges related to a hairpiece that he doesn’t have.”
When asked about the accusations that his hairpiece ordered men to assault their wives and take drugs, the publicist reiterated that Charlie Sheen does not wear a hairpiece.
“Even if Charlie did wear a hairpiece, and he doesn’t, he would be appalled if it told people to commit crimes. He would not stand for that and he wants everyone to know that he would personally turn a hairpiece like that over to the police.”
And what about that talking log?
The publicist said that Charlie Sheen has always wanted a petrified log that talks, but he would never accept one that was stolen.