CHRIS MATTHEWS: Tonight we pay tribute to our President, Barack Obama, on his 53rd birthday. Over the years I’ve been laughed at for my allegiance to my president. Some think it’s weird that I would worship a man sixteen years my junior. So let me ask the haters, when Jesus was alive were all his followers younger than he was? No, of course not. So I say to those who mock me and poke fun, I will not deny my president. I stand today as I’ve stood for six years – a hopelessly devoted disciple of my president. Happy Birthday, Mr. President! Now, let’s play Hardball!
(Music plays to start the show)
CHRIS MATTHEWS: (dabbing eyes with tissue) I get emotional when I talk about Barack Obama. What can I say? I’m passionate about my president. Let me welcome my guests: Washington Post’s African American writer, Eugene Robinson, MSNBC lesbian, Rachel Maddow and MSNBC’s African American civil rights leader, Rev. Al Sharpton. Eugene Robinson, my African American friend, what are your feelings on this special day, our president’s fifty-third birthday?
EUGENE ROBINSON: It’s a very special day.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: It’s exciting isn’t it? Rachel, do lesbians celebrate birthdays?
RACHEL MADDOW: Of course we do, Chris.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Ha! I’m just teasing, Rachel.
AL SHARPTON: Chris, I learned a long time ago, the hard way, not to tease a lesbian.
RACHEL MADDOW: What does that mean?
AL SHARPTON: Oh, nothing.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Rachel, when you woke up this morning, were you aware it was President Obama’s birthday?
RACHEL MADDOW: No, I didn’t find out until you told me.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Every year I’m always disappointed that my fellow progressives are not aware of our president’s birthday. I mean, it’s such an important day to remember. We remember July 4th every year. We remember Christmas.
EUGENE ROBINSON: I’m sure that will change when whites become a minority in a few decades.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Unfortunately, I won’t be here to celebrate that momentous occasion. I’ll be dead by then.
EUGENE ROBINSON: Oh, don’t say that.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: I’m almost sixty-nine years old, Eugene. I really don’t see myself living to be in my hundreds. Even if I do, I’ll be a basket case. The show’s maintenance crew has to mop up my spittle during commercial breaks now. If I live to be a hundred I’ll have to live in a bathtub. Ha!
(Chris Matthews and Eugene Robinson share a high-five)
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Reverend Al, you’re a man of God.
AL SHARPTON: (nods)
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Do you think God is partial to President Obama?
AL SHARPTON: You mean as proposed to the rest of us?
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Look, we all know that God is partial to Jesus. But I wonder if God has other favorites?
RACHEL MADDOW: I don’t think God would place any of us before the other. Even the president.
AL SHARPTON: How do you think he feels about you lesbians?
RACHEL MADDOW: What makes you so certain God is a he?
AL SHARPTON: ‘Cause he’s called Father. The only time a woman is called father is when she grows a mustache and adopts a baby with her lesbians.
RACHEL MADDOW: I don’t think God differentiates. Don’t most religions espouse a loving and fair God?
AL SHARPTON: I don’t know what he thinks about the French, but God hasn’t been fair to African Americans of color.
EUGENE ROBINSON: I have to agree with the reverend.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: He hasn’t been fair to you guys, has he? Why do you think that is, Rev. Al?
AL SHARPTON: He’s obviously white.
RACHEL MADDOW: Is it God or white people who haven’t been fair to African Americans?
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Good point, Rachel. But is there any evidence God is white?
AL SHARPTON: I can assure you one thing, if he was black his only forgotten son wouldn’t have been a white boy.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Are there any African Americans in the Bible?
AL SHARPTON: The only one I know of is Judas.
RACHEL MADDOW: How do you know that?
AL SHARPTON: I saw his picture on the Jesus Christ Super Star album.
AL SHARPTON: Yes it did. The Bible says God finished creating the Earth during the weekdays before he partied on the weekend. So that would mean America was here from the days of the apple and the lizard.
RACHEL MADDOW: To your point, Chris, African Americans did not exist 2000 years ago.
AL SHARPTON: (wide eyed) Say what? Some people say Africa is the oldest country in history. And I’m sure that’s at least 2,000 years ago.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: I think what Rachel means is there probably weren’t any Africans in America during biblical times.
AL SHARPTON: That’s because they were called slaves back then.
EUGENE ROBINSON: The argument about whether God is white or black has been debated for years. Curious, isn’t it, that it’s not whether he’s Asian or Hispanic.
AL SHARPTON: That’s not deflatable because in his photographs Jesus has blue eyes. I ain’t ever seen an Asian or Mexican with blue eyes.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Eugene has a point. Why can’t God be Hispanic?
RACHEL MADDOW: Why can’t God be an Hispanic lesbian woman?
AL SHARPTON: That might be conscrewed as blastomy.
RACHEL MADDOW: Why would that be blasphemy?
AL SHARPTON: If Jesus was a Mexican lesbian he would have turned the ocean into tequila. Then he’d have to turn the fish into limes and the bread into taco shells. Everything in the Bible would have to be changed.
RACHEL MADDOW: (chuckling) Obama is a good looking man.
AL SHARPTON: To be fair, we’ve never seen Jesus clean shaven with a haircut.
EUGENE ROBINSON: But the big question is, would Jesus wear dad jeans?
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Now that is what I call blasphemy, my African American friend! And personally, I love the dad jeans. OK, we’re out of time. Happy Birthday Mr. President!