In the final moments of taping his show on MSNBC today, Chris Matthews invited several of the network’s commentators to pay tribute to Michelle Obama. Following is a transcript of that discussion which will air tonight on MSNBC.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: A couple of weeks ago the remarkable Michelle Obama celebrated her 50th birthday. I thought we would end tonight’s show by taking a few moments to reflect upon our sensational African American first lady. Ed Schultz, my good union friend, your thoughts on our gracious first lady.
ED SCHULTZ: I know that she’s a beautiful lady, Chris. I can tell you that.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: So you wouldn’t kick her out of bed for …
ED SCHULTZ: For eating crackers? Heck no. She can eat all the crackers she wants. Hell, she can eat a greasy double cheeseburger with a side order of cheesy fries and wipe her hands on the sheets.
AL SHARPTON: (smiling) What would a good lookin’ African American woman of color be doing in bed with a fat white boy like you, Ed?
AL SHARPTON: Are you frantasizing about Michelle Obama or the double cheeseburger?
CHRIS MATTHEWS: What about you, Rachel. You’re a lesbian, would you kick the first lady out of bed?
RACHEL MADDOW: (clears her throat) Well, I think Mrs. Obama is a remarkable and inspirational woman, but she’s not really my type.
AL SHARPTON: Ain’t your type? I hope you’re not talking about her African American color.
RACHEL MADDOW: Of course I’m not. I just like smaller girls. It’s nothing personal.
AL SHARPTON: Are you saying Mrs. President’s behind isn’t small enough for you?
RACHEL MADDOW: No, why would you say that?
AL SHARPTON: There are some white folks who say she got a big behind.
ED SCHULTZ: She does have a mighty big heart. You don’t have to be a union member to see that.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: How ’bout you, Melissa?
MELISSA HARRIS-PERRY: It’sth not justh her heart thatsth big, her compasthion and her unsthelfisthnesth isth sthpectacular alstho.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: But she’s a good lookin’ woman isn’t she? Don’t you think she’s an attractive African American woman?
MELISSA HARRIS-PERRY: Of coursth she isth. I think the firsth lady is adorable. And yesth, she’sth alstho very sthexsthy.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Everybody knows about my man crush on President Obama, but Mrs. Obama is just too attractive. I could never compete with her.
AL SHARPTON: Damn right you couldn’t.
ED SCHULTZ: I like Mrs. Obama’s behind. I’d put a union label on that in a New York minute, let me tell ya.
AL SHARPTON: Hell yeah. A man’s gotta have something to grab onto.
RACHEL MADDOW: If I may steer this conversation away from the first lady’s robust hind quarters, I think Mrs. Obama’s focus on social issues has been wonderful.
AL SHARPTON: Are you uncomfortable, Rachel? I’ve noticed that lesbians are more secreeted than the homos are. Why is that?
ED SCHULTZ: That’s probably why the gays use lube.
RACHEL MADDOW: I don’t think lesbians are more secretive than gay men, Al, I’m just personally not very open about myself in public. It’s just me, not my sexual orientation.
AL SHARPTON: I don’t think any woman, be it a lesbo or normal woman, should open up in public. There are lots of weirdos out there with camera phones.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Melissa has a valid point. I’m ashamed that we don’t have a Latino voice among us.
RACHEL MADDOW: Or a transgender voice.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: I tried to get Bruce Jenner on the show but he’s still recovering from having his adam’s apple removed.
ED SCHULTZ: And I for one wish him a speedy recovery towards whatever it is he’s becoming. We don’t have an Asian or Native American voice with us either, Chris.
AL SHARPTON: Or a midget.
RACHEL MADDOW: Or anyone physically challenged.
AL SHARPTON: Melissa has a lisp.
MELISSA HARRIS-PERRY: But I don’t know if it allowsth me to be a represthentative for the physthically challenged community, doesth it?
ED SCHULTZ: As a union man I find your lisp erotic.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Look, I’m the first to admit we have too many white people on this network. My audience knows the distaste I have for the color of my skin. I’ve apologized profusely for being a white male, not just on my show, but in grocery stores and even bus stops. I was born this way and with God as my witness, I’d take my own life if I felt it would save a person of color, a woman, an LGBT person or an undocumented worker from any more pain.
ED SCHULTZ: I’m with you on that, brother.
(Chris Matthews and Ed Schultz high-five each other)
AL SHARPTON: I’ve dedicated my life to shaming whitey.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: I can only hope that MSNBC’s valiant efforts to disparage, condemn and shame white people has helped our first lady to feel more proud of her country.
RACHEL MADDOW: I have no doubt the first lady is pleased with our tireless fight.
MELISSA HARRIS-PERRY: (Tears streaming down her face) We love you Misthes Obama!