HOUSTON – This afternoon, just days after its members booed him as he addressed their convention, the NAACP announced their endorsement of Mitt Romney for president. After receiving the news Mr. Romney returned to the convention where hundreds of jubilant African Americans welcomed him with chants of Mitt! Mitt! Mitt! Mitt! The Republican candidate appeared visibly moved by the reception as he took to the stage in front America’s oldest civil rights organization. Romney spent several minutes attempting to quiet the crowd before jokingly throwing up his hands in defeat, which drew deafening cheers from the euphoric group.
News of the endorsement has startled Democratic pundits and surrogates around the country. MSNBC host Chris Matthews reportedly became so incensed that he ran down the network’s hallways screaming “Oh my God, Barry! What have those people done to you?!”
Entertainer Cher posted a message to her fans on Twitter: “am upset with advance colored peeps. will spend 2nite writing civil rites song that can be danced to in gay discos”
Former President Bill Clinton told reporters that because he was the first black president he was more knowledgeable about their political habits than most.
“Being the first black president gave me insight into how an African American mind works. Unlike President Obama, I wasn’t afraid to talk to my people, to break bread with them. I even played them some funky blues on my saxophone. President Obama needs to visit one of those NAACP meetings and sing like Peabo Bryson or something. I can assure you of one thing, they wouldn’t have turned on Jesse Jackson like that.”
After his appearance at the convention, Mitt Romney attended a reception hosted by NAACP organizers at the Four Seasons hotel. When he arrived scores of African Americans pushed and shoved for a chance to meet their presidential candidate. In a surprising moment of spontaneity Mr. Romney sang a verse from Bobby McFerrin’s hit song “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” much to the delight of his new supporters.
“I truly believe that Mr. Romney will lead us in a better direction,” said Martha Carson, an NAACP member from Greensboro, NC. “Sure there are some things I disagree with him on, but he really does seem like he has our best interest at heart. And unlike our current president, Mr. Romney found the time to travel here and speak to us. He even sang a hit song by an African American to us. A little respect goes along way doesn’t it?”
President Obama didn’t attend the NAACP convention, choosing instead to send Vice President Biden to address the group. The president did praise the organization in a short pre-recorded video that aired before Biden’s speech. Convention organizers said the president’s office cited a scheduling conflict as the reason he couldn’t attend, but organizers grew suspicious when they found out Obama spent the day in Washington D.C. with no major public events scheduled.
At a news conference this evening Mitt Romney was asked how he felt about the endorsement.
“Gee, I uh, I don’t really know what to say. I’m truly thrilled those NAACP people endorsed me because it means they don’t want to be taken for granted anymore. It’s just been a darned good day all around. Heck, my African American housekeeper was so happy I let her leave early so she could visit her son in prison and tell him the news!”
Reporters spoke with Nancy Pelosi outside a Washington D.C. Botox center about the NAACP endorsement.
“I cannot over emphasize what this will mean for the African American community,” Pelosi snapped. “When Romney takes away their food stamps, how are they going to eat? And if they vote for Mitt Romney they can kiss affirmative action goodbye. How are they going to get a job then? Sadly, African Americans aren’t aware of how much they need the Democratic party that loves them so much.”
After spending the morning shredding files in his office, Attorney General Eric Holder ignored reporters’ questions as he jumped into a waiting limo.
And during the taping of his HBO show, comedian Bill Maher commented on the NAACP endorsement
“I’m very disappointed in the NAACP. For years I’ve been telling African Americans that they need to gangsta-up … to get in the face of whitey. And how do they repay me? They run back to the plantation! Next thing you know they’ll be knocking up one of Sarah Palin’s daughters. Do they really think you can sell crack in Wasilla and turn a profit? Good luck with that, Brother.
Although the White House has yet to respond to the endorsement, a confidential source told the Daily Rash that Oprah Winfrey has offered every NAACP member an all expense paid trip to Hawaii for a week with her and President Obama sometime before the November election.