WASHINGTON – Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi met with senior citizens today at the End of the Rainbow nursing home where she spoke out against white privilege and the war on women. She also spoke passionately about gender neutral bathrooms in grade schools. At the conclusion of her speech Pelosi abruptly switched gears when she called on the owner of the Washington Redskins to change the team name to the Washington Potatoes. Pelosi met with reporters outside the nursing home where she was asked about her football comments.
REPORTER: Congresswoman, do you really think the name Potatoes will be embraced by football fans?
PELOSI: Oh of course! Just think of the pride football fans will have when their team is called the Washington Potatoes. I know I would be proud.
REPORTER: But it’s not a very strong name. Sports teams have always used names that evoke fighters, warriors, men that can rise to victory against the worst odds.
PELOSI: Well obviously there’s a big problem with your statement. You just said men. What about women? What about the transgender, gay and bi-sexual communities?
REPORTER: And Native Americans?
PELOSI: Well, them too.
PELOSI: The Potatoes will be inclusive of everybody, including the Indians. Think about it, do you know anybody whose self esteem has ever been threatened by a potato?
REPORTER: I don’t believe so.
PELOSI: Of course you don’t. Believe me, once the Redskins begin calling themselves the Potatoes other teams around the league are going to follow suit.
REPORTER: What other teams do you think should change their names?
PELOSI: Oh, any team whose name causes unease in somebody.
REPORTER: Do you have any examples?
PELOSI: Well, I live in northern California and one of our teams, the Oakland Raiders, are a good example. The Raiders is a name that immediately conjures up images of villages being plundered, houses being burned and women being gang raped.
REPORTER: What would you change the Raiders name to?
PELSOI: Oh, there are so many alternatives that would make such a difference. What about the Oakland Turtlenecks? That’s a nice benign name isn’t it? Or what about the Oakland Waffles? Or the Cotton Balls? There are so many wonderful names our teams could have that would include, rather than exclude people. It’s all about being inclusive. About acknowledging the sensitivities of others.
REPORTER: Have you heard from the Redskin’s owner about changing the name to Potatoes?
PELOSI: Not yet. But I’m confident that he’ll agree that the Potatoes is a wonderful name for his football team. It’s time we as a nation stopped causing so much pain to our citizens with insensitive words.
“The Potatoes?” Trump squawked. “Nancy Pelosi shouldn’t be giving a speech at a nursing home, she should be a resident. Nobody listens to what she says. She doesn’t even have debates when her congressional seat is challenged because her constituency is a bunch of brainwashed losers. The woman is a Botox filled cadaver. If I’m elected president I’ll have her committed. While I’m making the country great again she can weave some baskets in-between face lifts.”