NEW YORK CITY – After the mayor and city council of New York City approved a bill banning smoking in the city’s 1,700 parks and along its 14 miles of city beaches last year, it was announced this morning that another bill with much harsher repercussions will be signed into law next week.
On Monday, Mayor Michael Bloomberg will sign an ordinance that will allow the NYPD to begin executing cigarette smokers beginning in July, 2013. Although most New Yorkers are unconcerned with people smoking cigarettes outdoors, Bloomberg maintains that it is in the best interest of society if trained NYPD snipers begin systematically executing people who smoke within city limits, including parks and cemeteries. He encouraged smokers to seek New York withdrawal treatment to avoid being targeted.
“We recently passed a law that made it illegal to smoke in parks,” Bloomberg told the Daily Rash, “But afterward I sensed an unease in my well being. I lay awake one night and, instead of thinking about the billions of dollars I’m worth, I became conscious of the fact that while I was tossing and turning scores of smokers were walking the streets of my city puffing away on cigarettes without a care in the world. Unconcerned for our children, the elderly and all the people who don’t have cancer yet.”
The Mayor broke off his statement to compose himself. A tear managed to struggle through the duct of his eye before he self-consciously wiped it away. He cleared his throat and continued.
“The image in my head of some self-consumed nicotine junkie smoking outside apartment buildings where children may live stabbed at me like a sharp paring knife.
“What if a child happens to look out the window at the same time that smoker passes by?” Mayor Bloomberg asked. “If the child sees a happy smoking person he could get the wrong message about cigarettes and maybe even start smoking one day.”
The Mayor grimaced at the idea.
“The thought of a small child destroying itself with tobacco stuck in my wealthy craw and I realized I had to do something. So I called my accountant.”
Surprisingly, a few citizens of New York City that spoke with The Daily Rash approved of the measure to kill cigarette smokers.
“When I walk down my street on the Upper West Side and see the buses and taxis and cars emitting the poison that causes global warming, I get sick. But when I see someone puffing on a cigarette, then I get down right angry!” barked Mary Carson. “At least a bus is a mode of transportation for the poor! At least a taxi employs a third world Muslim! But a cigarette smoker is clogging up my lungs for one purpose only — their selfish pleasure! So I say, shoot them! And shoot to kill!”
Geneva Sanders was grocery shopping in Greenwich Village. “I know that when my teenage son started smoking cigarettes in the late 1950’s, it caused him to eventually shoot heroin in his veins and rob that bodega where he killed an old bald guy and a Nun. A month later he was mowed down by FBI gunfire in Philly. So I admit, I have a vendetta against the tobacco companies. Every time the NYPD kills a smoker it’s going to be less profit for the tobacco companies who killed my baby boy!”
“I want them to kill smokers because it will give me something to look forward to,” remarked Tim Young of Hells Kitchen.
“I just don’t think they should kill them,” lamented Molly Oswald of Stuyvesant Town. “Maybe they could use rubber bullets or poisoned bullets! Poison that would make them really sick, you know, maybe give them kidney infections or something. Then maybe the smoker would rethink their decision to give us all cancer.”
Jake Greene, an usher at a popular Broadway theater, didn’t mince his words. “Kill them! They’re trying to kill us with their second hand smoke. Hell, if somebody breaks into my house with a bag full of cancer, I’m going to kill them before they throw cancer all over me and my family. What’s the difference between a burglar with a bag of cancer and a guy smoking next to ya at the beach? Huh?”
“I don’t think they should kill them, but maybe they could make them go to Staten Island to smoke. They could have a special ferry to take them every few hours or so. People on Staten Island won’t care. And even if they do, it doesn’t matter.”
NY Police Chief Ray Kelly has already begun training sharp shooters for what the police are calling “Operation Bag ’em and Tag ’em.” He estimates the slaughter of thousands by springtime.
“We may lose thousands of smokers, but think of the thousands of lives we’re saving from the apocryphal horrors of second hand smoke.”