McLEAN, VIRGINIA – In what appears to be a last ditch effort to resuscitate his presidential aspirations, Newt Gingrich announced that he will have a yard sale next weekend in order to raise additional revenue for his floundering political campaign. Sources inside the Gingrich camp have expressed concern that the Republican candidate’s refusal to acknowledge the writing on the wall is only delaying the harsh reality that winning the Republican presidential nomination is impossible.
“Speaker Gingrich is unable to acknowledge that the likelihood of his winning the campaign is nonexistent,” revealed a political insider. “He’s been staying up till dawn devising ways to stage a big political comeback and it’s making his campaign workers uneasy. Last week he ordered staff members to empty their kids’ piggy banks and dig under the cushions of their furniture for loose change. Whenever the Speaker is outdoors he’s perpetually on the lookout for coins that might be lying in the street. Just the other day he and several of his staff were elated because they’d collected 17 cents from the gutters during a lunch outing.”
“We will fundamentally transform an ordinary yard sale into a well-oiled money making machine that I am confident will put us back into contention in this important presidential contest. We’ve enlisted local grade school kids to keep the area clean and a hoard of elderly volunteers will be selling delicious iced tea and crackers. We’ve even got an accordion player to entertain and from what I’ve been told, the guy has fundamentally changed how that instrument is played. We’ve got lots of interesting artifacts from my life at prices so low we’re certain folks will be tempted to purchase something for their family and friends. And unless gas prices under the Obama administration jump even higher in the next few days, we’re confident we’ll raise enough money to fuel our VW van to one of the remaining primary states if we drive real slow and subsist on Calista’s delicious peanut butter sandwiches.”
“Heck, Speaker Gingrich should be the next president because he’s so much smarter than his competition, dag nab it. I’ve played Scrabble with him many times and I’ll be darned if he doesn’t almost always win. And don’t get me going on his uncanny ability to guess most of the answers when he plays Trivial Pursuit. I guarantee you, Romney and Santorum couldn’t beat him in Trivial Pursuit. When the time comes to debate President Obama, we’re gonna need somebody with a superior intellect like Newt Gingrich who also used to teach at a University. Mitt Romney never taught at no University. Fact is, I don’t even know if Mr. Romney went to a school. Do those Mormons send their kids to school?”
Gingrich’s wife Calista says her expectations for a Gingrich nomination continue to escalate.
“I have no doubt that the American people will see our yard sale as an example of Newt’s fundamentally innate instinct for tackling a crisis. There are millions of Americans who make ends meet with yard sales and when they get to the polls they’re going to remember the presidential candidate who financed his campaign with big jars of coins.”
According to fliers found on telephone poles and laundromat bulletin boards around Newt Gingrich’s Virginia home, some of the items being offered at his yard sale are; the pair of loafers Gingrich was wearing when he resigned as Speaker of the House in 1999, a framed photograph of the goldfish he cherished as a youngster and autographed photocopies of the divorce papers he served his previous wives.