NEW YORK – NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that all NFL players will be required to dance after every play in the upcoming 2014 season.
“We feel that since the majority of players for the past many years have celebrated by dancing or preening after scoring, running, tackling, blocking, being penalized or just wearing a uniform, that it would be best if every player danced after every play,” Goodell said. “Now, they don’t have to dance if they are willing to overtly draw attention to themselves. We will let each player decide for himself by choosing from a list of ‘end of play’ actions that have been approved by the NFL. If they do not want to choose an alternative to dancing, then they must dance.”
Authorized “after play” actions include but are not limited to:
B) Squatting and then jumping up in a “jack in the box” fashion
D) Jumping up on the end zone bleachers and allowing fans to pet them
E) Chest bumping fellow teammates in mid-air
F) Just plain running around the field with abandon
H) Extending arms in a “look at my muscles” fashion and howling like a wolf
I) Running around the field and emotionally pointing to God
J) Savage head bumping
K) Overt masculine embracing of fellow team members
Players’ celebratory actions are more often than not defined by their position on the team.
Linemen have a tendency to growl like rabid dogs after either tackling an opposing team player or blocking an opposing player. They’re also prone to look at the fans and demand to be acknowledged and applauded. Line backers tend to dance and/or jump up and down in a frenetic manner before slamming their heads into the head of another team member. They too are inclined to look at the fans and demand acknowledgement and applause. Running backs will usually dance, but more imaginatively than other players. Some moonwalk, some hold the ball out while doing the funky chicken, others prefer to look at the fans while puffing out their chests, squatting and then doing some sort of somersault dismount.
For the most part, quarterbacks just like to hug the other players and thank them for participating.
Kickers like to jump up and down a few times before they run back to the sidelines and check their cell phones.
In the past, celebrations of any kind were predominantly exhibited after touchdowns and winning games. Presently all tackles are celebrated with many of the above mentioned antics. All runs are celebrated, whether or not there is any gain in yardage. All completed passes are celebrated by the offense, as are incomplete passes celebrated by the defense.
Coaches will be expected to dance with each other. The NFL understands that forcing coaches to dance with their players might interfere with their authority. The NFL is aware that many of the coaches are elderly and even more are overweight. With that in mind, coaches will only be required to dance at the end of each quarter.
White players will not be expected to match the dancing skills of their black teammates.
Goodelle said the NFL decided that since almost every play is celebrated by somebody that every play should be celebrated by everybody.