OBAMA: America Needs to Hope Harder! I Mean Like, A Lot Harder!

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In his State of the Union speech last night, President Barack Obama scolded the American public for “not hoping hard enough.” Flanked by Vice President Joseph Biden and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, President Obama pulled no punches with his disgust with the American public, chastising one and all for being so complacent with their hoping.

“I just want every one of you out there to know, I had higher expectations! I thought, maybe naively, that you had more gumption in you than you have. I thought… I hoped…you  had more allegiance in you than you seem to have.”

Vice President Biden nodded his head, looked out at the audience and then quelled a sneeze. Bewildered, he looked back up and smiled, and then began worrying if he’d left the oven on in the Vice Presidential residence.

“I mean, what exactly do you expect of me?” the President continued. “You said you wanted hope! You said you wanted me to give you that hope!”

Glancing at both teleprompters, the President paused for effect.

Hope isn’t tangible people! It’s something that you do! Now, I can talk about hope. I can sing and dance about freakin’ hope…but if you ain’t out there hoping….” the President paused.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi smiled at specific members of congress that she was unable to see. Appearing to be chewing cud, she at one point sat on her hands and then got confused when she tried to applaud.

“So I’m here tonight to remind all you people out there,” continued the President, “all you millions of people out there who told me you believed in hope! That you believed in the hope I could bring for you…”

The President paused again. “What was it? Hope and change?”

He smiled knowingly and the chamber erupted with embarrassed snickers. President Obama playfully put his hand behind his ear.

“What was that?”

The chamber erupted in enthusiastic applause.

“Oh…OK!” The President smiled.

Vice President Biden smiled and stood up to applaud. He looked upward and momentarily wondered where he was. Looking over he caught a glimpse of Speaker Pelosi and became frightened. Out of habit he smiled knowingly and the room came into focus. Aware of his surroundings, he applauded with confidence and watched to see when the others sat down.

“This isn’t a one man show folks!” President Obama continued. “You voted me into this office. When I gave all those speeches I do believe I said we a whole lot of times. And these past few months, I ain’t gettin’ a whole lotta we.…from you. I’m gettin’ a whole lotta me from all ya’ll! And that me ain’t none a’ ya’ll!”

Speaker of the House Pelosi applauded and began to stand up before she realized nobody else was standing. She looked over as Vice President Biden attempted to remove cake frosting from the inside of his jacket. Pelosi then acted like she was straightening her dinner jacket, and sat back down.

President Obama allowed the room to quiet and then looked out at the chamber.

“Look at these two behind me.”

Vice President Biden and Speaker Pelsoi sat upright and smiled.

“Look at them!”

The President scanned the room and sighed.

“That’s what I’m working with!”

Vice President Biden and Speaker Pelosi jumped up and applauded, overwhelmed with humility.

“See what I mean?” the President said.

As the applause subsided, Vice President Biden became lost in thought about the old days when young women recognized him on Amtrak. Speaker Pelosi stared vacantly into the crowd. Her upper lip had become frozen at the top of her gums.

“So I’m asking everybody, no…I’m begging the American people to start hoping harder! And I mean like a lot harder!”

The House of Representative chambers at the United States Capital erupted in wild applause.

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