WASHINGTON – To the dismay of democrats and republicans alike, a CNN cameraman with a live mic recorded President Obama and Vice President Biden cracking jokes about the new health care law as they sat together outside the White House yesterday. Following is a transcript of their conversation.
BIDEN: (nudges Obama with his elbow) Have you ever read the health care bill?
OBAMA: (cocking his head and looking at Biden) Have you?
BIDEN: (laughing) When would I have the time or the stamina to wade through that monstrosity?
OBAMA: (snickering) It is rather immense, isn’t it?
BIDEN: It’s f*cking colossal, man. When they stack it up it’s something like seven feet high.
OBAMA: Lord have mercy. (laughs) Imagine the poor idiots saddled with trying to interpret that convoluted tripe.
BIDEN: (laughs) There’s nobody who can interpret that mess, man. They’ll just have to make sh*t up as they go along. The least we could do is give them an exemption!
OBAMA: (laughing) It could be a while before they’re put to the test. I’ve heard only one person’s been able to figure out how to even sign up.
BIDEN: How about Sebelius’s feeble attempts to look like she knows what she’s doing? Her befuddled minions at Health and Human Services are scrambling around like Charlie Sheen on bath salts. It’s like the Benny Hill Show over there.
OBAMA: (laughing) I hear they play the Benny Hill theme song over the intercom all day long.
(Joe Biden whistles the Benny Hill song and Obama howls with laughter)
OBAMA: (wipes a tear from his eye) You know, not only did we somehow get congress to pass that behemoth, but then the freakin’ Supreme Court jumps in and gives it their stamp of approval?
BIDEN: That’s why I said it was such a big f*cking deal, man. Nobody could have imagined we’d be able to push that bloated beast through congress, let alone get a thumbs-up from SCOTUS.
BIDEN: Oh, God, that was priceless! The speaker of the f*cking house, for Christ’s sake!
OBAMA: (sighs) How that statement did not put an end to her political career, I’ll never know.
(Obama and Biden sit smiling for a moment)
BIDEN: How does the Affordable Care Act work?
OBAMA: You’re asking me?
BIDEN: Well, you do call it Obama Care!
OBAMA: You think Oprah knows how they put her magazine together? The woman shows up for an hour every month to pose for the Glamour Shots photo they use for her magazine cover, then she scuttles back with Gayle to their hot tub. That’s the extent of her involvement.
BIDEN: So Oprah uses her name to sell something she’s not involved with?
OBAMA: Sure does. So just because it’s called Obama Care, that doesn’t mean I have any idea how the damn thing’s supposed to work. Ain’t no different than what Oprah does.
OBAMA: What’s that?
BIDEN: People wanna buy Oprah’s magazine!
Both men erupt with laughter and then share a high-five.
OBAMA: (wiping tears from his eyes) Oh, man …that’s a good point!
BIDEN: (sighing heavily) You know, it’s quickly turning into a circus, Buddy. I mean, things are lookin’ kinda bleak. What are we gonna do when it really gets bad?
OBAMA: You mean when the bloated health care beast implodes?
BIDEN: Yeah. What then?
OBAMA: Well, then I’ll just put in a call to my good buddy Vladimir Putin …
OBAMA & BIDEN: (in unison) Cause President Putin can fix anything!
After the two men burst into hysterical laughter, Vice President Biden stood up and began doing a silly twist-like dance as he and President Obama hummed the Benny Hill theme song together.