Obama Campaign Accuses Romney of Holding Up Boston Gas Station

WASHINGTON – After a week of assertions that Mitt Romney committed a felony with regard to his leadership role at Bain Capital, the Obama campaign is now alleging he may have been involved in a spree of Boston gas station robberies in 1999. Though the campaign is careful not to directly state that Romney committed the robberies, they are adamantly reminding voters that it would be yet another felony charge hanging over the head of the presumptive Republican presidential candidate.

According to Boston police reports, during the first week of February in 1999 there were three gas station robberies in south Boston that netted upwards of $4500. Known at the time as “the Barney Capers” the robberies were committed by a lone gunman who wore a Don Knotts Halloween mask. During an appearance on MSNBC’s “The Last Word,” Obama campaign staffer Sue Mei told host Lawrence O’Donnell that Mitt Romney has been a fan of actor Don Knotts since high school.

SUE MEI: When we learned how much Mitt Romney liked Don Knotts we put two and two together. We did some digging and found that accounts of Romney’s schedule during the week of the robberies is sketchy, to say the least. At the time of one of the robberies Romney’s schedule had him at a private dinner.

LAWRENCE O’DONNELL:  A private dinner? Isn’t it odd that a man whose favorite actor is Don Knotts is conveniently at a private dinner when a man in a Don Knotts mask is robbing a gas station at gunpoint?

SUE MEI:  That’s what we thought. After more research we found that during the other two robberies Mitt Romney’s time cannot be accounted for.

LAWRENCE O’DONNELL:  That’s very disturbing.

SUE MEI:  Yes it is. That’s why we’ve asked that Mitt Romney be arrested.

LAWRENCE O’DONNELL:  If I’m not mistaken, armed robbery is a felony, is it not?

SUE MEI:  Yes it is, Lawrence.

LAWRENCE O’DONNELL:  Another felony…I shudder to think what Romney supporters must be going through.

SUE MEI:  It must be similar to how John Edwards’ supporters felt.

LAWRENCE O’DONNELL:  Well, my heart goes out to them.

Washington insiders say the Justice Department could issue a warrant for Mitt Romney’s arrest as soon as the end of the week. A confidential source says the Attorney General has been in communication with the White House and will work with the FBI and local law enforcement to apprehend Mitt Romney if he attempts to loot anymore gas stations.

Since news of Romney’s possible involvement in the hold-ups, police departments around the country are opening old case files and the Justice Department has asked state and city prosecutors to look into unresolved felonies in their jurisdictions. Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter told reporters that his police department has several unsolved cases that point to Mitt Romney and California Governor Jerry Brown has implemented proceedings to investigate whether Romney may have been behind an elaborate scheme in 2002 that saw over two dozen big screen television sets disappear from a Hollywood appliance store.

During his weekly visit with the women on “The View,” Obama was asked about Romney’s latest felony incrimination.

BARBARA WALTERS:  Mista Pwesident, is it twue? Mitt Womney, an ahmed wobber?

PRESIDENT OBAMA:  Well, Barbara, it looks as if there are grounds for an investigation.

JOY BAHAR:  What do you plan to do about it, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT OBAMA:  Well, Joy, I’ve already spoken with my Attorney General and he’s chomping at the bit to solve those ghastly crimes. As always, Eric Holder is eager to enforce the law.

(The audience laughs)

PRESIDENT OBAMA:  (looks at audience confused) What’s so funny?

WHOOPIE GOLDBERG:  You’re right, Mr. President. Holding up a gas station is a ghastly crime.

PRESIDENT OBAMA:  Any crime against an American citizen is ghastly, Whoopie.

SHERRY SHEPHERD:  It’s apparent that every individual crime victim is precious to you, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT OBAMA:  Yes they are, Sherry. Every one of them could be my daughter or son, even a distant cousin.

ELIZABETH HASSELBECK:  Is it fair to say that Mitt Romney held up a gas station just because he’s a Don Knotts fan?

PRESIDENT OBAMA:  Now, I want to remind everybody not to jump the gun. One of the great things about America is that once you’re accused and then smeared in the press, you’re still innocent until proven guilty. Even if people think you’re guilty, you’ll get a fair trial. Fortunately for Governor Romney, he’s got enough Swiss bank accounts to buy the best lawyers in the country!

BARBARA WALTERS:  (laughing) Oh, Mr. Pwesident! You are so cute! (looks at audience) Isn’t he cute?

The studio audience cheered wildly.


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5 Responses to Obama Campaign Accuses Romney of Holding Up Boston Gas Station

  1. Me on July 18, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    Hilarious!  I love this site!

  2. Pete Parks on July 19, 2012 at 11:38 am

    That’s some good stuff.

  3. Tamara Bates-Rhodes on July 19, 2012 at 11:43 am

    … It’s the seriousness of the charge.

  4. Gvandenbosch on July 19, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Is this true?  If so, then why isn’t Willard that rat not in jail! 

  5. John Svengali on July 21, 2012 at 12:17 am

    After Walters’ Ed Brooke affair disclosure, I wonder, did she make the move on Barack Hussein Obama?  She knows, as most of us in the know, no black man can resist the advances of a white woman, even one who may have been a contemporary of and actually dated Frederick Douglass.  Something tells me that seeing that swarthy Adonis moistened someone’s Depends. 

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