Obama Fires Petraeus, Gary Busey to Lead War in Afghanistan

WASHINGTON – After firing Stanley McChrystal and announcing at a White House press conference that he would be replacing him with General David Petraeus, President Obama retracted his statements an hour later on the Nancy Grace Show, saying he was instead going to nominate Gary Busey to replace Petraeus, who’d just replaced McChrystal.

President Obama told Nancy Grace that after almost a full hour of consideration, he decided to go with his heart on the matter of choosing a new commander in Afghanistan.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs confirmed today that Obama has indeed requested the services of Gary Busey in the war against terrorism. Gibbs said that people who have personally interacted with Busey would understand the President’s decision.

Reached by telephone in Honduras where he’s been disciplining the child of an international pop-star, Gary Busey told CNN’s Anderson Cooper that he accepted the request from President Obama without hesitation.

“My commander in chief asked for my help in a matter of national security. I may be an actor, an activist, a child disciplinarian and a periodic alcoholic, but I also love my country!”

President Obama recommended Busey to Paul McCartney after his performance at the White House last week. McCartney was wondering out loud if there was anyone dependable enough to discipline Beatrice, his seven year old daughter with ex-wife Heather Mills. Busey had just concluded a strenuous week of disciplining Obama’s daughters, leaving the president so impressed that Busey was asked to stay on a few more days to “reinforce” his unique brand of discipline. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld was also present. He concurred with the President, saying he’d had Busey discipline his children for an entire month last year on Long Island.

Appearing on the Rachael Ray Show later that afternoon, President Obama called the replacement of McChrystal and Petraeus with Busey a “no brainer.”

“Gary Busey disciplined my Presidential Children several weeks ago, so I can personally vouch for his professionalism, his dedication, his work ethic and his phenomenal results,” Obama told Rachael. “Now, I will admit that Gary is a different sort of character. He’s got unorthodox methods. He’s not for the faint of heart. That being said, I can confidently guarantee that Gary Busey is going to lead America to victory in Afghanistan!”

The Daily Rash spoke with Gary Busey via Skype just hours after President Obama made his announcement. Busey seemed upbeat and excited to begin fighting the war against our enemies.

“I told the president that I would personally rip the endocrine system out of every Taliban and Al-Qaeda dirt bag that I found in that God forsaken part of our dear Mother Earth!”

When asked to compare disciplining children to fighting a war in Afghanistan, Busey didn’t hesitate.

“Probably the biggest difference is I’ll get to kill people over there. And from what I’ve been told, there will not be any repercussions.”

It was in November of last year that The Daily Rash broke the story: Gary Busey Wants to Discipline Your Children. Since that time, Busey has made millions of dollars disciplining the children of Hollywood stars, media moguls, captains of industry and leaders of nations. Last month John Edwards flew Busey to Botswana to discipline Quinn, his new daughter with Rielle Hunter.  And just two days ago, Anita van der Sloot, distraught mother of Joran van der Sloot, revealed on Entertainment Tonight that her biggest regret in life is not hiring Gary Busey to discipline her child.

“If we would have had access to Gary Busey, my son would not be receiving violent anal rapes in a Peruvian prison right now!”

When asked to respond to Mrs.van der Sloot’s statement, Busey was direct:

“She’s right.”

The Daily Rash was unable to reach Vice President Biden for comment. Acting on orders from President Obama, the Vice President was being suited up in scuba gear so he can swim down to the ruptured gas pipe in the Gulf and attempt to plug it with a big tube of Crazy Glue and some other stuff.

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