WASHINGTON – The turmoil that was generated between Russia and the United States after President Vladimir Putin granted asylum to Edward Snowden last month escalated even further when President Obama cancelled his private meeting with the Russian president before September’s G-20 conference of world economic leaders in St. Petersburg. But the delicate fragments of alliance that remained between the two countries may have been irretrievably shredded in the proverbial fan today after Vladimir Putin unfriended President Obama on his Facebook page.
Sources inside the administration say President Obama learned of the Russian president’s Facebook coup during his morning White House briefing. Obama became quite upset when he was told the news, but upon learning that Vice President Biden and Vladamir Putin remained Facebook friends the president became enraged, forcing everyone out of the Oval Office before angrily kicking the door closed. Moments later it was discovered President Obama had signed onto his personal Twitter account and unfollowed President Putin.
About an hour later reporters managed to corner Vice President Biden outside a Duncan Donuts after he’d purchased his daily chocolate eclair and Diet Coke. When asked about Putin unfriending the president on Facebook, Biden took a moment to swallow a bite of his eclair before answering.
(The vice president smiled and winked at reporters)
JOE BIDEN: Now, to your question about President Putin. Politics is a high stakes game of deception, distraction and diversion that few have the ability to master. That’s why there’s only a handful of folks who attain the level of power that a President Obama or a vice president like myself do. That being said, the depth of understanding involved in comprehending President Putin’s Facebook maneuver cannot be easily deciphered, let alone explained in a manner simple enough for the common man to grasp.
REPORTER: Mr. Vice President, did Vladimir Putin hurt President Obama’s feelings?
PRESIDENT BIDEN: Oh, sure. Even the most stoic among us isn’t immune to the humiliation of being unfriended on Facebook. Although it’s quite easy to forget, President Obama is after all, human. No more special than I am.
REPORTER: President Obama unfollowed President Putin on his Twitter account. Was that out of spite?
JOE BIDEN: (chuckling) Of course it was.
REPORTER: Mr. Vice President, apparently you are still Facebook friends with President Putin. Do you plan to unfriend him to show your allegiance with President Obama?
JOE BIDEN: I can assure you President Obama isn’t concerned with my Facebook friends. What happens between President Obama and President Putin is between them. Who am I to take sides?
REPORTER: But according to a high level source inside the White House, the president is very concerned. Why do you think Putin unfriended President Obama but not you?
JOE BIDEN: (Smiling) Oh, gosh, who knows. I can say I heard Mr. Putin is still friends with Jay Z and the Clintons on Facebook. So it’s not like I’m a big deal.
JOE BIDEN: (laughs very loud) Oh, I don’t foresee Vladimir getting involved in our presidential race. I do know he’s more partial to me than Hillary, but that really doesn’t matter much here in America does it?
REPORTER: So you think Putin would lean towards you in a presidential race?
JOE BIDEN: Vladimir is a physical man. A man’s man. A meat and potatoes kind of guy. He’s old school. So am I. We have more in common than he and Hillary do.
REPORTER: (jokingly) Didn’t people used to say Mrs. Clinton was kind of masculine in her pantsuits?
JOE BIDEN: Well there’s no doubt that Hillary’s natural tendency is to be less feminine than most gals, but there’s no need to churn up all those rumors from the past. I mean, she did give birth to a baby. Ain’t nothin’ masculine about that. Vladamir and I sire offspring but then we go hunting or fishing, or participate in espionage.
REPORTER: Mr. Vice President, are you saying that some of the rumors about Mrs. Clinton …
JOE BIDEN: Let me just stop you right there and state unequivocally, I have no doubt whatsoever that Hillary truly enjoys the company of men. Let’s just nip any kind of tawdry rumors about Hillary Clinton’s personal life in the bud right now. Heck, if you want to know what kind of person Hillary Clinton is, ask her good friend Janet Napolitano. She’ll vouch for her in a heartbeat.
JOE BIDEN: Without a doubt. And I assure you that these latest rumors about Hillary and Bill squandering tens of millions of dollars of their charity donations on luxury travel expenses will be proven false. They’ll justifiably evaporate in the same manner that Whitewater, Vince Foster, Benghazi and the seemingly endless array of baseless scandals have over the years. There’s absolutely no reason to go dredging them up again.
A source inside the White House said President Obama’s concern over President Putin was quickly forgotten after viewing Joe Biden’s interaction with reporters this morning.