Obama: I’ll Give Up My Shotgun When They Pry it From My Cold Dead Hands

MINNEAPOLIS – The White House was still responding to questions yesterday morning about the photo released last week of President Obama firing his shotgun. When asked by reporters why the White House would circulate the photograph three days prior to Obama’s trip to Minnesota to give a speech on gun violence, Press Secretary Jay Carney admitted that Obama’s statement – “up at Camp David we do skeet shooting all the time” had sparked so much skepticism they decided to tweet the photo in an effort to allay any doubts the president’s remark was accurate.

Only hours after Carney’s press briefing, Obama stood in front of Minneapolis law enforcement agents and spoke passionately about gun control. He declared his commitment to background checks, limiting magazine capacity and banning assault weapons.

Following his remarks the President took questions from Minneapolis reporters.

Reporter: Mr. President, most Americans are accustomed to seeing you relaxing on the golf course, so it came as a surprise to a great number of them when they saw the photo of you shooting a gun.

Obama:  It’s true that I enjoy playing a couple of rounds of golf or shooting hoops with my homies, but there’s really nothing I like better than brandishing my 12-guage pump-action and sprayin’ some buckshot.

Reporter: How often do you shoot your gun, Mr. President?

Obama: Not as often as I’d like. When I’m in Washington my opportunities are limited because of time restraints and there’s always the safety element. Pedestrians are probably the biggest obstacle. Plus Washington has some pretty strict gun laws, so sometimes I’m stuck with strapping on a silencer at night and taking out a few street lights.

Reporter: Could you offer some examples of your gun use when you’re outside Washington?

Obama:  Up at Camp David we do skeet shooting all the time but my true passion is hunting.

Reporter:  Where do you hunt, Mr. President?

Obama: When I get the chance I like to head down to the mountains of Tennessee and hunt wild boar. The gratification experienced after blowing the head off a charging feral pig can be as uplifting as a Jeremiah Wright sermon.

Reporter: But what about your passion for gun control? Is there perhaps a conflict of interest?

Obama: Curtailing automatic weapons is much different than going after a man’s shotguns and revolvers.

Reporter:  Yet there’s a growing demand from members of your party to ban all guns. Would you be willing to give up your shotgun as a symbol of solidarity with your constituency?

Obama: I’ll give up my shotgun after it’s pried from my cold dead hands.

Reporter: Is there any truth to the rumor that your book, Dreams from My Father, was originally titled, Dreams of Big Game Hunting with My Father?

Obama: Yeah, but the editors felt the original title might discourage women and the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender communities from purchasing the book.

A few hours after the press conference the White House announced that President Obama will appear on CNN next week and display his expert marksmanship by shooting an apple off the head of anchor Piers Morgan.

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