Obama Picks Personal Injury Lawyer for Supreme Court

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Carson "Butch" Calhoun

WASHINGTON, DC – The White House announced this morning that President Obama has changed his mind and decided against Elena Kagan as his choice to replace John Paul Stevens as Supreme Court Justice. Although it was announced yesterday that the president had chosen Kagan, administration insiders say that the president did a complete about-face late last night, deciding instead on personal injury lawyer Carson “Butch” Calhoun.

Sources close to Elena Kagan told The Daily Rash that she is devastated, calling the president’s choice “political suicide.” Several members of congress have already expressed doubts about Mr. Calhoun’s ability to pass the Senate confirmation hearings, let alone handling the responsibilities of a Supreme Court Associate Justice.

Former President Bill Clinton told reporters this morning that he was surprised at President Obama’s choice.

“Hilary called me from her bedroom and told me to turn on MSNBC. When I saw that Carson “Butch” Calhoun was the supreme court nominee, I immediately stopped what I was doing and got dressed. Then I made some very important calls.”

Comedian and star of his own show on HBO, Bill Maher appeared on Hardball with Chris Mathews and applauded President Obama for his willingness to appoint a man who isn’t a “square.”

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Bill Maher

“I for one am tired of watching uncool white guys make the Supreme Court so unattractive to young people. I have no doubt that Butch Calhoun is going to liven things up a bit. He’s hip like me! He’s what the country needs and it’s going to be a feather in the cap of President Obama. Now on that note, I’ve got a date with a high priced hooker in half an hour.”

According to the American Bar Association, Carson “Butch” Calhoun graduated with average grades from Samford University Cumberland School of Law in 1984. Records indicate that Mr. Calhoun passed the bar exam on his fifth try in 1986.

He was hired by the firm Sanders, Bartner, Craddock and Anderson in February of 1987. They confirm that Carson Calhoun worked for them until the fall of 1987 when there was an “amicable parting of ways.” Mr. Calhoun then relocated to Chicago to work with the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, commonly referred to as ACORN. It was while fighting fraud charges for ACORN that he met community organizer and future U.S. President, Barack Obama. After several years at ACORN, Carson Calhoun took a position with 1-800-LAWYERS where he specialized in “hit-n-run” and “slip-n-fall” cases.

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V.P. Joe Biden

The Daily Rash found Carson Calhoun’s first wife, Carmen “Pink” Hernandez, in the Birmingham phone book. Mrs. Hernandez has remarried and refused to talk about Butch Calhoun. His second wife, Bubbles Starlite, is serving a ten year sentence in a Alabama correctional facility for operating a meth lab and having sexual relations with minors. Carson Calhoun’s third wife, Connie, was killed during an armed robbery in the Bed-Stuy section of Brooklyn six years ago. And last year, Carson Calhoun’s fourth wife, Brittany Huckles-Calhoun, filed for divorce after six weeks of marriage. The records of that divorce have been sealed.

When asked if he thinks Carson “Butch” Calhoun will have any chance of being confirmed by the Senate, Vice President Joe Biden smiled and assured reporters that he is confident that Calhoun will be confirmed.

“I’ve known Butch for years! Hell, I’ve known him longer than that! He’s a heck of a lawyer and I believe in my heart that Butch Calhoun was born to be a member of the United States Supreme Court. Now, I’ve got some papers to sign back in my office and lots of important phone calls to answer.”

Republican minority leader John Boehner smiled when asked about Calhoun.

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Republican John Boehner

“Hell, I’ve known Butch for years! I don’t know how much money I’ve won from him playing cards! But in all candor, Butch is a top notch lawyer. I don’t see any reason to believe his nomination will be held up during confirmation.”

President Obama has yet to make a public statement explaining his decision to replace Elena Kagan with Carson “Butch” Calhoun for the court seat. But an administration insider did tell The Daily Rash that Obama wanted to help Calhoun.

“I know that Butch has been having financial difficulties. I heard that when President Obama told him how much an associate justice of the Supreme Court makes ($223,000 a year) that Butch’s eyes widened and he playfully jumped up and down.”

The Daily Rash attempted to reach Carson “Butch” Calhoun for comment, but was told he was celebrating in Las Vegas at an invitation-only poker tournament.

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