McALLEN, Texas – In a surprising turn of events this morning, American soldiers began arriving at key crossing points along the Mexican/American border after President Obama ordered U.S. troops to control the influx of immigrants illegally entering the U.S. through Mexico. White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest said the administration predicts the border could be sealed by the weekend. He said the president ordered the military to take control after learning the immigrants crossing the border were climate change deniers.
“Over the weekend the president was informed that a vast majority of the immigrants entering the United States illegally are climate change deniers. Following confirmation of this information from Homeland Security and the FBI, President Obama met with Army Chief of Staff, General Raymond Odierno. The president ordered the general to send troops to the border in an effort to stem the rising tide of immigrant deniers illegally crossing our shared border with Mexico.”
When a reporter asked what would happen to the tens of thousands of children that have already been apprehended, the press secretary’s response was matter of fact.
“President Obama has made it clear how he feels about climate change deniers. Child deniers are just as much a threat to national security as adult deniers. The president may not have the authority at this time to deport American deniers, but he will not hesitate to immediately deport any man, woman or child illegally entering this country who has the audacity to deny climate change.”
President Obama went on live television and spoke briefly to the American people from the Oval Office about his decision to send the military to the border.
“My fellow Americans. Last night I was informed that the vast majority of the young brown people at our border are deniers. I’m sure, like myself, many of you wonder how anyone can be ignorant enough to deny climate change. We know the science is settled. What’s even more startling is these people aren’t even white. I want to assure you, when I received the news I didn’t sit in a chair for seven minutes and read stories to children. No, I immediately met with my military leaders and ordered them to send troops to the border. There’s no room in America for deniers. I want to emphasize that to everybody in Central America. If you say you’re a denier, you’ll be deported. It’s that simple. Remember what I’m saying to you … if you tell us you deny climate change, you’ll be denied a lifetime of government subsidies in the United States. And now we return to your regularly scheduled program already in progress. Thank you and God bless American.”
When news of the troops was announced, Vice President Biden was in Gary, Indiana, speaking to seniors at The Final Orbit retirement home about the advantages of shotgun ownership. After his lecture was interrupted several times with questions about the military landing on the border the the vice president addressed the issue.
“Folks, it appears that the majority of those kids we’ve all been calling precious and feeling so much sympathy for … well, they don’t believe in climate change,” Biden sighed. “Heck, I was told some of them even made jokes about climate change.”
“They’re deniers?” cried an elderly woman.
“That appears to be the case, my dear,” Biden sighed.
“It’s starting to look that way.”
“Obama didn’t know they were deniers?” another woman asked.
“No, hon, he didn’t. And believe me, if President Obama had known those illegals were deniers they’d all been on boats headed back home weeks ago. And I’m not talking about Carnival Cruise yachts, if you know what I’m sayin’,” Biden snickered.
“You mean row boats don’t ya?” a man chuckled from the back of the room.
“I’m talkin’ row boats without paddles,” Biden cackled, winking at the seniors.
John Kerry appeared later in the day on Al Sharpton’s MSNBC show, PoliticsNation, where he echoed the vice president’s remarks.
“The president was caught off guard, Reverend Al,” Kerry confessed. “Like so many of us, he couldn’t have imagined in a million years those young brown people were deniers. I was in the middle of my daily Botox injections when my chief of staff told me the news. She told me later that I was so startled she thinks she saw my face move.”
Nancy Pelosi accompanied Hillary Clinton in Las Vegas where Chelsea Clinton spoke about diarrhea at the National Pipe Fitters Union convention. Afterwards the two women spoke with reporters.
“I’m just so disappointed in those little brown children,” Pelosi groaned. “I opened my arms to them in public speeches. I even said I wished I could bring them home with me. Thank God that didn’t happen. Otherwise I’d have little brown deniers crawling all over my expensive furniture.”
“At this point, what difference does it make what color they are?” Hillary barked. “They may be brown on the outside, but inside there’s a denier kicking and screaming against settled science.”
An unidentified man outside a detainment center told reporters he’d spoken with many of the illegal immigrants being held and said they couldn’t be climate change deniers because they had no idea what climate change was. Later in the day, on orders from Attorney General Eric Holder, the man was arrested for suspicion of harboring feelings of discontent with President Obama.