INGLEWOOD – Police discovered a gruesome multiple homicide in the home of a Los Angeles school teacher yesterday. The mutilated bodies of five people were scattered throughout the three bedroom, split-level home. At least two of the victims had been decapitated. After a preliminary walk-through of the house with its blood spattered walls and dismembered bodies, a 30-year veteran of the Los Angeles forensics team said the crime was “the most repulsive and horrendous act of depravity” he’d seen his entire career.
On the street outside the grisly crime scene an enormous crowd of anxious neighbors and onlookers had gathered behind the yellow police tape. The agitated bystanders began to grow curious when someone pointed to the long motorcade of limousines and police cars traveling up the road towards them.
The curiosity of the group quickly morphed into shock when the motorcade slowed to a stop and President Obama emerged from a limousine with secret service agents. Jubilation filled the air as the crowd excitedly converged around the president, pressing close to take pictures with cell phones and pawing for autographs.
“We were notified on the radio that the president’s motorcade would be traveling past our crime scene en rout to the airport,” the detective said. “I was inside the house trying to match one of the decapitated bodies with a head I found in the refrigerator when I happened to look out the window and see the procession stop and President Obama get out of a limo. When I walked outside onto the porch I saw the president shaking people’s hands and signing autographs. I had a lot of blood on me from investigating the bodies so I didn’t feel it would be appropriate to go out and meet him. At the same time I was perplexed that he was even there in the first place.”
This afternoon when reporters asked Los Angeles Police Chief Charlie Beck about Obama’s crime scene pop-in, his response was matter of fact.
“When you’ve got a blood spattered crime scene with multiple dead bodies, it’s important to stay focused so that every scrap of evidence is accounted for. The last thing in the world you’re expecting is the world’s most powerful leader to materialize outside and pose for pictures with bystanders. Unfortunately, President Obama’s appearance managed to distract our detectives and forensic personnel long enough for some grade school kids to sneak past them into the house. Although we’ve observed imprints of their sneakers in the puddles of blood around the bodies, we’re crossing our fingers they didn’t contaminate the crime scene beyond that. We still haven’t located the head of one of the victims but at this point in the investigation there’s no evidence the kids played any part in its disappearance.”
The sister of one of the murder victims, 35-year old prison reform advocate Lisa Lombard, was forced to stand with onlookers outside the house while the investigation took place. It was only a few moments before Obama’s visit that she learned her twin brother, her only sibling, lay decapitated in a pool of blood inside the house. She said President Obama’s surprise appearance managed to temporarily take her mind off her brother’s tragic demise.
“I admit I got caught up in the excitement when President Obama showed up,” she told reporters. “I mean, it’s not everyday the president of the United States is standing right in front of you, you know?” Miss Lombard was interrupted by her buzzing iPhone.
“I’m really bummed that I didn’t get a selfie with him like some people did,” she continued. “I kept yelling, Mr. President my brother was murdered!, but he must not have heard me. I did manage to take some pictures for my Facebook page though.” Lisa looked down again at her phone. “It’s crazy how many texts I’m getting from people asking about the president. This is really awesome. My Facebook page is gonna be rockin’ tonight.”
After about fifteen minutes of shaking hands and taking photographs, several of the crime scene bystanders accompanied President Obama to a neighborhood pub around the corner for a game of darts and pints of beer. For over an hour the president regaled bar patrons with tales of his celebrity encounters and self deprecating jokes about his dad jeans before staff members reminded him he was expected at a lavish fundraiser that evening in Miami Beach.
This morning Vice President Biden was in Bethesda speaking about the advantages of shotgun ownership at the Eternal Cul-de-Sac retirement home when someone asked if it was appropriate for the president to engage in a meet and greet outside a grisly crime scene.
“One of President Obama’s most remarkable talents is his ability to shrug off tragic events and unpleasantness by focusing instead on the positive, like raising the minimum wage or encouraging gender neutral restrooms in our grade schools,” the vice president said. “Unfortunately there’s nothing President Obama could have done for those poor murder victims in Los Angeles. The only thing you can count on to prevent hooligans from turning you into a headless torso is a pump action double barrel and a box full of buckshot.”