Obama: You Could Be Burning In The Flames of Hell!

WASHINGTON D.C. – President Obama chided a reporter this afternoon in the Rose Garden after being asked how much worse things are expected to get. The reporter was referring to unemployment and the number of jobs lost in July. The president sighed and then admonished the reporter.

“Do you know how bad things could really be? Huh?”

The reporter seemed confused and stumbled over his words.

“Of course you don’t! Because if you did then you wouldn’t be so smug about how bad things supposedly are.”

Another reporter asked President Obama what he meant.

“What do I mean? Well, imagine burning in the flames of Hell. Now that would really be bad wouldn’t it?”

Murmurs filled the Rose Garden before the President spoke again.

“Or imagine being decapitated by an out of control bus on the way to church!”

President Obama wiped his brow.

“What if you came home and found Roman Polanski babysitting your daughter? Wouldn’t that be worse than filing for another few months of unemployment benefits?” The President shrugged his shoulders. “You tell me.”

As the Press Pool whispered amongst themselves, Obama continued.

“Let’s say you’re home by yourself and you accidentally cut your jugular vein with a butcher knife. Now, as you’re lying there in a growing pool of your own blood, unable to get to your cell phone, knowing you’re about to die…you going to tell me that that wouldn’t be worse than ten percent of the country being out of work? C’mon!”

A CBS correspondent remarked that there are lots of Americans who don’t think things could be much worse than they are now.

“OK. Let’s say you’re playing darts in your favorite bar and you whip a dart through the air as hard as you can. As you watch that dart soar you see that a barmaid is walking right into its path. You going to tell me that when those EMS workers are forcibly prying your dart from that poor screaming woman’s eye socket that you wouldn’t think ‘my situation is a lot worse than it was before I savagely blinded that barmaid’?”

David Axelrod stepped to the microphone.

“Let’s say you’re out hunting with your buddy Dick Cheney. Suddenly you look over as he accidentally blows your Mother’s head off! You gonna tell me that wouldn’t be worse than some of America’s problems right now?”

Rahm Emanuell squeezed his way to the microphone.

“How bout this? You’re standing in your kitchen cooking when you hear a blood curdling scream in the backyard. You look out the window and see your nine year old daughter with a pitchfork in her head! Blood is gushing out of her head like a fire hose. Now you tell me, do you want that to happen or do you want to be out of work for a few months? It’s that easy.”

Axelrod, Gibbs and Emanuel

Robert Gibbs pushed his way to the microphone.

“How about this? You’re late for work and driving fifty miles an hour in a school zone when you lose control and mow down four elementary school children, killing three of them instantly and sentencing the fourth child to an iron lung for the rest of her life!”

“And not just that,” Axelrod chimed in, “but when you back up the car you run over a puppy in front of dozens of eight and nine year old students who see it writhe in intolerable agony…”

Robert Gibbs leaned in, “…and that puppy bleeds to death with its intestines lying beside it in the street next to the three dead children.”

Robert Gibbs puffed up his chest and then high-fived David Axelrod.

“How bad do those unemployment figures look now?” Rahm Emanuel scolded the reporters.

“How ’bout this!” Obama exclaimed. “You come home early from work and when you open your front door you see your wife having uninhibited sex with five dirty construction workers…and one of them is even wearing your favorite baseball cap!”

Obama looked around the Garden.

“Which one you gonna choose? A slow growing economy… or you wanna watch your wife getting gang banged?”

Jerry "Leave it to Beaver" Mathers

A reporter yelled out, “Give me the slow economy!”

“I don’t want my wife gang-banged! I’d rather lose my job!” barked another reporter.

President Obama leaned back and smiled.

“See? When you take a few moments and imagine how bad things could really be, our present situation doesn’t seem like the end of the world anymore does it?”

“But what if Iran gets a nuclear bomb? What could be worse than that?” yelled a CNN correspondent.

Obama thought for a moment.

“How about you and your family being forced to watch Maury Povich irrigate and cleanse Jerry Mathers’ colon?”

As loud groans of disgust erupted from the pool of reporters, President Obama smiled and David Axelrod, Rahm Emanuel and Robert Gibbs exchanged high-fives.

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