CAMBRIDGE, Md. – During the speech he delivered at the annual House Democratic retreat in January, Vice President Joe Biden disclosed that he’d fervently warned President Obama against moving forward with the attack that killed Osama bin Laden. Biden told congressional members that President Obama ignored his exhortation and stoically ordered U.S. special forces to take bin Laden out. The Vice President said that “Obama took charge like a man” and that he, Biden, “folded like a timid, insecure woman.”
“I make no bones about it. My cowardice glistened like a counterfeit diamond in the blinding radiance of President Obama’s courage.”
Many in attendance said they were shocked to hear the Vice President speak so poorly of himself.
“He basically called himself a wussy!” barked Minority Whip, Steny Hoyer. “He said that Obama was a real man who could make tough decisions under pressure. Referring to himself the Vice President said he was the kind of guy who would run the other way if a disabled woman was being beaten by a savage pack of hooligans. I couldn’t believe my ears. By the time he finished I had little regard left for the Vice President yet a new, profound respect for President Obama’s raw masculinity, tenacious virility and shatterproof cojones.”
House minority leader, Nancy Pelosi, confessed that she too was caught off guard by Biden’s remarks. “He said that he would not hesitate to shield himself with a small child if he felt he was in harm’s way. Frankly, I was moved by his honesty. We need more men in the political arena that will instinctively look the other way or close their eyes when things get difficult.”
“The Vice President looked at me, pointed to himself and said, ‘This is what a coward looks like,'” recalled New York Congressman, Jerrold Nadler. “I’ve never had a man admit to me he was the equivalent of a sissy, a pantywaist … a quivering milksop. I was startled at first, but then I saw something refreshing in his honesty. A poignancy, if you will, in his self-immolation. When I told him that some might consider it courageous to admit you’re weak he winked at me and pat me on the shoulder. I was going to hug him but I hesitated too long and then it felt awkward.”
“He told us he was yella!” bellowed Bennie Thompson (D-MS). “Just stood up there tellin’ a bunch of folks that he was yella! Said Obama was the big hero and that he was no better than a timid little field mouse. Hell, field mice have more backbone than that!”
South Carolina representative, Jim Clyburn, was astonished when Biden said he’d suggested that the United States reduce the charges against Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and release him on his own recognizance.
“He told the President he was worried that pissing off a guy like that Sheik would be asking for trouble,” the congressman huffed, shaking his head. “He just kept on and on, like he was purposely trying to underscore Obama’s manliness with tales of his own cowardice. Just didn’t make any sense to me.”
“I’ve never seen a man tell a whole roomful of people that he’s a candy ass,” remarked Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-FL) It kind of turned me on, to be honest with you. I had several hot flashes and I had to work to keep my pelvis from gyrating. I wish more men were mature enough to admit their cowardice. God what a beautiful world that would be.”
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney was asked about Biden’s statements during this morning’s press briefing.
“If Vice President Biden says he’s a coward, I’ll take him at his word. There are lots of people in the administration who suspected as much, so his less than gallant admissions don’t come as a complete surprise. Because President Obama is so virile, so unflinching and courageous, he’s not too concerned that a frightened Vice President will pose much of a problem. President Obama’s lionhearted valor is more than enough to make up for the Vice President’s squeamishness. In the case of an emergency, with a lifetime of pent-up frustration, disappointment and resentment boiling in her veins, the President has the utmost confidence that Secretary of State Clinton could step-up and kick some ass anytime he might be unavailable.