KOSCIUSKO, MISSISSIPPI – For many years Oprah Winfrey has told the story of being so lonely as a poor child growing up in the south that she made friends with two cockroaches and named them Melinda and Sandy. In a startling turn of events, Oprah Winfrey producers announced today that Melinda and Sandy were found alive last week in Mississippi.
Cecil Baker lives down the street from the house where Oprah was raised in poverty. He told reporters that he’s been caring for Melinda and Sandy for almost fifty years.
“They came over to my house when Oprah moved away. I’ve had ‘em ever since.”
Rory Parker is a biologist at Northwestern University. He met with the Daily Rash at a local Starbucks and said it would be impossible for the two roaches to be Melinda and Sandy.
“I’ve been studying living things for forty years and I can assure you there is no way in hell that those two bugs are Melinda and Sandy. No way in hell!” The biologist yelled loud enough to make his fellow Starbucks customers take notice.
“Now, don’t get me wrong, I want those insects to be Melinda and Sandy as much as the next guy. But roaches cannot live for fifty years. They just can’t! I know because I’ve studied living things for decades.”
Insiders at Oprah’s Harpo Studios say that Oprah’s jaw dropped when she was told that Melinda and Sandy were alive and well in Mississippi.
“Oprah was gnawing on a big ham and cheese sandwich with a side order of cheesy fries. When her producer informed her Melinda and Sandy were alive she began to choke. It took several men to hold her down and dislodge the chunk of ham wedged in her throat,” said a long time employee of Harpo Studios. “I’ve worked with Oprah for twenty years and I’ve never seen her react like that. Even that time when Gayle* stole all that money from her purse.”
(*Gayle King, Oprah’s best friend)
“The reason she’s so damned surprised is because she made up that cockamamie cockroach story!” barked Nederville Chamberlain, a second cousin of Oprah’s on her mother’s side. “She’s told that ridiculous story to all those white housewives for decades and they lap it up. Just lap it up like it were gospel. Whatever Oprah tells em they just lap it up. Now, I watched Oprah kill plenty of cockroaches. Watched her kill ‘em sometimes with her bare hands. Hell, I probably seen Oprah kill a hundred or so cockroaches, but I never seen her play with any cockroaches. Never saw her interview any cockroaches. Lord have mercy!”
Oprah Winfrey has often shared how poor she was growing up. She told long-time friend Stedman Graham that Melinda and Sandy were her only solace when she was being gang-raped by family members. She said the cockroaches were the only ones who didn’t laugh at the potato sack she had to wear to school. Stedman recalled the tales last week on The Tyra Banks Show.
“Oprah was so poor that the only thing she had to wear was a potato sack when she went to school. She was so poor she used to lick the glue off postage stamps at night and act like it was cake frosting. Oprah was so poor she had to tie Sears catalogs onto her feet because her family couldn’t afford a regular pair of shoes.”
Although Oprah has no immediate plans to reunite with Melinda and Sandy in person, producers have said there are plans for a reunion on Oprah’s TV network OWN, via satellite.
“Oprah really wanted to reunite with her dear old friends in front of a live studio audience, but she’s concerned that fifty year-old cockroaches might not be up to the glitter and pomp of an Oprah television special. She’s decided that a satellite reunion would be best for the bugs.”
The producers said Simon and Garfunkel have agreed to appear and sing Bridge Over Troubled Water and Yo-Yo Ma is going to play sad things on his cello.
Earlier today Harpo Studios announced that Oprah is giving Cecil Baker a brand new refrigerator and several Sean John shirts for taking such good care of Melinda and Sandy all these years.