ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN – After innumerable years of killing innocent people, dwelling in caves, riding camels in the dead of night and eating more than his fair share of leftovers, sources close to Osama bin Laden say he was just weeks away from turning over a new leaf before U.S. Navy Seals blew his face off. After decades of sore feet, irritating dry skin and the excruciating annoyance of bug bites, it appears that Osama bin Laden had recently committed to living a dream he’d been envisioning for almost ten years: to own and operate his very own Dairy Queen franchise.
“Many years ago in a cave in Afghanistan, Osama became enchanted with a picture of a Dilly Bar,” recalled a former mountain guide of bin Laden’s. “He was perusing a circular he’d come across from a Carrboro, North Carolina newspaper left behind by previous troglodytes. Inside was a Dairy Queen pull-out ad with a large colorful picture of a Dilly Bar. Osama stared at the picture for many minutes before he carefully folded the ad and tucked it inside of his robe. Several days later I heard him asking someone if they’d ever tasted a Dilly Bar.”
Sources close to him say that all the years of bombings, be-headings and suicide attacks had left Osama bin Laden weary with fatigue, that the allure of terrorism had begun to wane. He’d confided to several close associates that he longed for a life where he could raise a family, own a goat and fly a kite while dressed in a nice v-neck sweater. After seeing the Dairy Queen ad Osama began talking in earnest of one day owning his own Dairy Queen franchise.
“He told me that selling ice cream to parched Muslims in the scorching, intolerable heat of backward Middle Eastern countries was something he was being called to do,” said a Guantanamo detainee who’d spent cave time with Osama. “He’d become mesmerized by the little curly chocolate design on the Dilly Bar. He loved the design so much that he said he dreamt about it. He would sit on cave floors drawing it in the dirt for hours on end.”
Several of his Pakistani neighbors told the Daily Rash that Osama talked relentlessly of Dilly Bars to them.
“He told me a hundred times that the Dilly Bar was an ingenious invention and that if he’d been aware of it when he was younger he might have lived his life differently. He once drew a curly Q design on a piece of paper and when he showed it to me he was beaming with joy. He told me to imagine that very same design made of chocolate, draping a small portion of soft vanilla ice cream on a stick. When he saw me looking at him he turned away to hide his emotion,” recalled a neighbor who said he thought Osama was a shoe repair man.
“He said that because Kandahar rhymed with Dilly Bar that we would open our first Dairy Queen franchise there. We used to lie in bed at night with his M-16 rifle, rocket launcher and night vision goggles and talk about what flavors of ice cream we would sell. Osama would joke that after he was promoted to district manager, maybe one day he might even give a PowerPoint presentation at a Dairy Queen conference in a motel in the United States.”
An anonymous source inside the C.I.A. confirmed that operatives explored several caves in 2004 and 2005 that had the curly Q design drawn in the dirt.
“Actually, that’s when we began to track Osama. We just followed the curly Q drawings in caves all the way to Pakistan. The Dilly Bar literally led us to bin Laden’s front door.”
A high ranking source in the Pentagon told the Daily Rash that after Navy Seals blew off Osama bin Laden’s face, they found empty ice cream wrappers strewn about the house. The source said that bin Laden had a short haircut and a trimmed beard. He was wearing a name tag with a Dairy Queen logo that read: Manager: Dale Eubanks.
“It looks like Osama bin Laden was preparing to re-enter the world as the manager of a Dairy Queen,” confided a source inside the CIA. “It’s too bad he didn’t succumb to the Dilly Bar earlier in his life. If he had there’s a good chance that Dale Eubanks would still have a face.”