HOLLYWOOD – In a vigorous effort to compete with Dancing with the Stars, Skating with the Stars and American Idol, NBC announced the premier of their new celebrity competition series Parallel Parking With The Stars, which debuts in February. With a newly structured no-holds-barred, winner-take-all approach, NBC is confident ‘Parallel Parking with the Stars’ has the ability to skyrocket the network to number one in the network ratings war. When Paula Abdul’s invigorating Live to Dance series is added into the fray, industry insiders expect the next few months to be quite an exciting time for television.
NBC president and CEO Steve Burke says the excitement at the network is palpable.
“When I pass underlings in the hallway I can see a lightness in their step. I detect hope, or a least a glint of hope in their eyes. I am confident that Parallel Parking with the Stars will silence the naysayers and propel this network into the stratosphere of greatness.”
NBC executives confirmed that Gary Busey and Kirstie Alley have signed on as judges for the new star-studded spectacle. Rumors that Busey and Alley do not get along are being downplayed by network executives. However, a confidential source claims that during the taping of the first show, Gary Busey became frustrated with Kirstie Alley’s criticism of a celebrity’s parking skills, warning her that he would “rip out her endocrine system” if she didn’t be quiet. Kirstie Alley allegedly responded by hurling her ample girth at Busey, sending them both sprawling onto the studio floor where they proceeded to viciously beat each other until network security was able to separate them.
The first episode of ‘Parallel Parking with the Stars’ features Charlie Sheen, Joe Jackson Sr, patriarch of the legendary Jackson Five family, and famous widow, Courtney Love. NBC spokesperson Carol Snider explained the parameters of the show.
“We partner our celebrities with someone they know, a close friend or peer and then we just let the cameras roll. The ensuing antics are guaranteed to entertain, amuse, and even inspire our viewers. We attempt to attract celebrities who have emotional and psychological scars that might elicit, in the simple act of parallel parking, a disintegration into a helter-skelter like carnival of blunders that the entire family can enjoy.
“For example, our premier episode has Charlie Sheen and a high priced call girl attempting to parallel park outside a West Hollywood Police station. As a drunken Charlie slams into parked cars and pedestrians in farcical attempts to parallel park, the inebriated sex worker increasingly annoys him with mocking criticism. When he starts smacking her around she surprises the judges and the audience by smacking him back! In the ensuing fisticuffs, Charlie inadvertently stomps on the accelerator, sending the car speeding down the street in reverse where it slams into a parked car, flips over and lands upside down. Even though Charlie and the prostitute suffer broken bones and gaping contusions, they continue to pummel each other until they notice a large bag of cocaine has spilled in the collision. As the two of them frantically begin snorting the powder off the seats, the dashboard, even the shattered windshield, the audience howls with laughter. The clip reaches a crescendo of gut wrenching hysterics when the prostitute unwittingly yanks off Charlie’s hairpiece with her bracelet.”
“That Courtney Love woman had some guy with her named Spike and they kept passing out before she ever got the car in reverse. They kept trying to revive her but after an hour or so they just gave up.”
College student Ambrose Cox, who was also at the taping, recalled his favorite segment.
“Joe Jackson Sr. was paired with his son, former Jackson Five member Jermaine Jackson. When Jermaine had problems aligning the car, Joe began screaming with escalating rage. When a nervous Jermain slammed into a parked car Joe Jackson let loose a cascade of profanity laced insults while taking off his belt. He started mercilessly whipping Jermaine, who by that point was sobbing like a baby. Joe kept cursing and whipping his son, thrashing about like a wild animal until Gary Busey and several security guards stepped in and wrestled the seething father out of the vehicle. It was a hoot!”
NBC executives say they are confident that ‘Parallel Parking with the Stars’ could very well be the next Jersey Shore, Hoarders and even the next Kardashians. With a roster of celebrities from Lindsay Lohan to Randy Quaid scheduled to participate, this could very well be a stellar year for the National Broadcasting Company.