WASHINGTON – This morning an anonymous source gave the New York Times a recording of a telephone conversation in 2011 between former Congressman Anthony Weiner and former President Bill Clinton a few days after Weiner left office in disgrace.
The source claims the recording was found in a dumpster behind a popular Hooters restaurant in Washington D.C. by a curious vagrant. The tape was delivered to the Times early this morning by a person wearing a Richard Nixon mask and large clown shoes. Following is a transcript of their conversation.
WEINER: President Clinton?
WEINER: Anthony Weiner here.
WEINER: You’re not just saying that?
CLINTON: No, not at all. (several seconds pass) Really!
WEINER: OK, good. Uh, I think I need to apologize to you.
WEINER: Because you officiated at my wedding to Huma.
WEINER: Huma, my wife.
CLINTON: Beautiful woman.
WEINER: Thank you. So I want to apologize.
CLINTON: OK, I guess. Sure, why not.
WEINER: OK. Uh….I’m sorry.
CLINTON: Anything else?
WEINER: No, I guess not.
CLINTON: OK, thanks for calling.
WEINER: Uh…I was also wondering if maybe, you know, maybe you could say something publicly in my defense.
CLINTON: (laughs) No offense, buddy, but what could I possibly say in your defense?
WEINER: I don’t know, maybe that what I did was inappropriate but you think I should stay in politics and relentlessly fight for my constituents?
CLINTON: Who in their right mind would believe that?
WEINER: But you were the president. People listen to you.
CLINTON: Yes, I was, and I had some issues of my own with the fairer sex. I think if I attempt to come to your rescue it could very well end up the most laughable moment in recent history. Worse than Jesse Jackson giving me spiritual advice on adultery with his mistress in the other room.
WEINER: But the American people love you!
CLINTON: Yes I believe they do, and I have no intention of losing that love, no matter how misplaced it might be.
WEINER: I’m really hurting here, Bill.
CLINTON: I feel your pain Wiener, I really do. And don’t call me Bill.
WEINER: I’m sorry, Mr. President.
WEINER: No offense, sir, but you really don’t have room to talk.
CLINTON: Excuse me?
WEINER: Look what you did to Hillary.
CLINTON: First of all, it’s Mrs Clinton. And second…..that was a lot different.
CLINTON: C’mon Wiener, you’ve seen my wife.
WEINER: You know I’ve always wondered, why did she stay with you?
CLINTON: She wanted to be the first woman president. She used me for her own selfish ambition.
WEINER: I wonder what my wife wants?
CLINTON: Millions are asking the same question, buddy.
WEINER: It’s just so painful.
CLINTON: (laughs) I can imagine. You go through your entire life with the name Weiner and in the end it’s your wiener that destroys you. Ironic isn’t it?
WEINER: Your wiener destroyed you too. Isn’t it the same thing?
CLINTON: Not even in the same ballpark. Most important, I kept my job. But I was persecuted for having almost sex with a real woman. You scurry around with your childish messages and little underwear pictures on a computer screen. That doesn’t make it for me. I need to be able to grab me some corn-fed meat.
WEINER: Corn what?
WEINER: If I was, let’s say a mayor, I’ll bet I could be having real sex with women who ride riverboats. I had lots of girls sending me pictures.
CLINTON: From what I’ve been told, you really don’t know who’s sending you things on the Internet. It could have been Dick Cheney sending you messages from his basement in his underwear, drinking canned beer and blowing wind.
WEINER: Well maybe the worst is over. I’m going to a rehab place to wait for everything to die down.
CLINTON: I don’t want to burst your bubble, but you haven’t seen the worst yet. Not even close.
WEINER: You mean my wife?
CLINTON: Pay back is a bitch, and they relish every moment of it.
WEINER: How bad is it going to be?
CLINTON: Have you ever noticed the size of Hillary’s legs?
WEINER: Uh, sure.
CLINTON: Every now and then she’ll wrap those things around me in bed and just squeeze.
WEINER: Pretty bad?
CLINTON: It’s like a pair of vice-grips from hell. And the look on her face when she’s squeezing, all those years of pent-up rage boiling up….with her eyes bulging and the veins in her neck throbbing….
WEINER: Sounds horrifying!
CLINTON: And it’s at home so she’s not wearing make-up.
WEINER: But my wife is skinny. Her legs aren’t anything like Hillary’s.
CLINTON: Does she have long toenails? Sharp elbows? Are her fingers long enough to wrap around your neck? What about her teeth? Your wife has some pretty big teeth and they look sharp. Hey, isn’t she a Muslim?
CLINTON: And you’re Jewish?
CLINTON: Whew! I’d keep my eyes peeled. Those people like to video tape their violence.
WEINER: I could leave.
CLINTON: Where you gonna go? Who’s gonna want you around?
WEINER: Lots of women, sir. I have a whole bunch following me on Twitter.
CLINTON: You need to wake up, son. Those girls followed you around because you were a congressman. Same reason your wife married you. That’s all being slurped down the drain like piss in the men’s room at a Redskins game. You’re toast, Wiener. After you resign you’re going to need your wife to pay the bills. Who’s going to hire you? You’re a pariah. Your own family members will shun you.
WEINER: But you survived.
CLINTON: There’s a reason they called me Slick Willie.
CLINTON: Ain’t gonna work. First of all, it sounds really stupid. Second, I’m a phenomenon. Even the most dour Republican will tell you that.
WEINER: What am I going to do?
CLINTON: That global warming stuff seems to be where all the washed-up people are headed.
WEINER: There is some good money in it. Maybe I’ll give it a try.
CLINTON: OK, I gotta run. Good luck, Wiener.
WEINER: Thanks Mr. President.
CLINTON: And Weiner?
WEINER: Mr. President?
CLINTON: Unless there’s a live woman in close proximity, keep it in your pants, huh?
WEINER: I’ll try.