Obama Asks Putin for Help Passing Immigration Reform Through Congress

WASHINGTON – The White House confirmed today that President Obama has reached out to Russian President Vladimir Putin in his effort to get immigration reform passed in Congress this year. During an appearance on CBS This Morning, National Security Adviser Susan Rice said the administration has the utmost confidence the Russian president can muster enough congressional votes to pass an immigration bill that would show the American people President Obama means business overhauling the immigration system.

“President Obama was so impressed with President Putin’s handling of our crisis in Syria that he’s sought his intervention again to help persuade Congress to pass an immigration bill,” Rice said. “After his humiliating bungling this past week with Syria the president has watched his poll numbers plummet as the American people question his leadership capabilities. Because President Putin’s last minute negotiations rescued the U.S. from having to bomb Syria, President Obama is confident the Russian president can pull him out of the stagnant quagmire of incompetence that hovers over his promise of immigration reform.”

In an exclusive interview via satellite this afternoon, Oprah Winfrey spoke with Vice President Biden in Washington and President Putin in Moscow about the surprising news.

OPRAH:  Welcome Vice President Biden. So, it’s true President Obama has reached out to President Putin for help with immigration reform?

BIDEN:  Great to be here, Oprah. I wouldn’t necessarily say President Obama asked President Putin for help. I’d define it as more of a diplomatic consultation between two strong, committed leaders.

OPRAH:  Welcome, President Putin. Would you agree with Vice President Biden’s assessment?

PUTIN:  Obama needs my expertise in handling his affairs at home. I would consider stepping in for him again and accomplish what he is unable to achieve himself.

OPRAH:  Vice President Biden?

BIDEN:  (laughs) Well, I wouldn’t go that far, Vladimir. Its not so much stepping in for President Obama as it is lending a helping hand to a valued ally who would be more than eager to help you out in a similar situation.

OPRAH:  President Putin, what’s in it for you to help President Obama?

PUTIN:  It makes me look strong and President Obama look weak.

BIDEN:  (laughs and winks into the camera) One of Vladimir’s more attractive qualities is his sense of humor.

OPRAH:  Are you just joking, President Putin?

PUTIN:  Whatever Vice President Biden say. I can clean up mess and be on my way. How American leaders describe it is not my concern.

OPRAH: Is President Putin just cleaning up another one of President Obama’s messes?

BIDEN: (laughing) I just love President Putin’s sense of humor! He and I are old-school kind of guys. With Vlad and me it’s like being in the locker room at school after engaging in a physically demanding, violent game of football. Afterward we poke fun and slap each other with towels in the shower. Just good old fashioned masculine ribbing.

OPRAH: Do you agree with Vice President Biden’s assessment of your personalities?

PUTIN:  I have never taken a shower with Vice President Joe Biden.

OPRAH:  Mr. Vice President, by relinquishing his responsibilities to President Putin doesn’t President Obama run the risk of diminishing U.S. credibility along with the confidence of the American people in his ability to lead?

BIDEN:  Look, Oprah, there’s little doubt President Putin knows how to take care of business. Vladimir is an aggressive alpha male who kicks ass without bothering to take names. On the other hand, President Obama is an affable man of refined tastes and a contemplative nature. He’s a much sought after daytime talk show guest and he gives a damn good speech. But when it comes to diplomacy, working with congress or making important decisions, President Obama’s moxie-muscle isn’t as strong and taut as his Russian counterpart. I for one applaud President Obama’s willingness to put aside what’s left of his dignity and self respect by asking President Putin to tackle our immigration problem. It will afford President Obama so much more time to focus on important social issues here at home like transgenders in the military, racist voter I.D. laws and providing middle-school children unrestricted access to the morning-after pill.

OPRAH:  President Putin, do you have anything to add?

PUTIN:  (smiles) Nope.

OPRAH:  Thank you President Putin and Vice President Biden for joining me today.

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