President Obama Vows to Repeal Health Care Law

BEVERLY HILLS – At a fundraising dinner last night in the home of Kim Kardashian, President Obama made the surprising announcement that he’ll repeal the health care law if he’s re-elected. Initially Democratic strategists and pundits were startled to hear the news but within a short time the majority of them were appearing on cable news shows applauding the president’s decision. Many of the celebrity guests at the fundraiser said they too were shocked but confessed the announcement was quickly forgotten when President Obama began singing the classic 1974 hit song, “Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting” much to the delight of the $75,000 per plate dinner guests.

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews is hailing Obama’s announcement as “political genius.” Washington Post columnist Eugene Robinson called the announcement “breathtaking political prowess” and entertainer Cher tweeted “i luv my black president and my new tranny son.”

Actor George Clooney was not in attendance at the fundraiser. According to his publicist, Clooney is in Calcutta for several weeks raising money for Obama’s re-election. The publicist said Mr. Clooney will back anything President Obama says without question.

Republican candidate Mitt Romney has yet to comment on Obama’s abrupt change on the health care law, a law the president worked tirelessly to coerce unwilling Democrats to vote for in 2010. DNC Chairwoman, Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz, said that she now expects Romney to support the health care law.

Debbie Wasserman Schultz

“It would be political suicide for Romney to be against the health care law when President Obama is also against it. It would be like President Obama’s wife riding a horse in the Olympics.”

Schultz adjusted a clump of her hair and continued.

“Imagine if Romney had decided to support gay marriage or amnesty for undocumented workers after President Obama’s election year evolutions. The American people would see right through Romney’s pandering. The American people are a smart people. The American people won’t sit idly by and let politicians dupe them. So for the sake of his presidential bid, I highly expect Mitt Romney to support the Supreme Court approved health care law unless he wants to be seen as endorsing President Obama or even worse, pandering.”

Bill Maher called Obama’s decision to repeal the health care law “an appropriate response to Sarah Palin’s kids” and former President Bill Clinton said, “That’s something Jesse Jackson would never do, I guarantee ya that.”

Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich called Obama’s announcement “fundamentally confusing” and Ron Paul told supporters that “the president is just full of so much nonsense!”

While speaking to a handful of patients at a D.C. nursing home this afternoon, Vice President Biden explained why the president is no longer in favor of the health care law.

“The Chief Justice of the Supreme Court says the health care law is a tax!” Biden barked, looking wide-eyed at his audience. “A tax?” he snorted. “We never knew it was a tax. Had no idea. But now Mitt Romney’s senior adviser is saying it’s not a tax. Of course it’s a tax!”

Vice President Biden turned the pages of his notes.

“How can President Obama support a tax on folks like you?” Biden pointed to a woman using an oxygen tank who’d fallen asleep. “That old gal doesn’t want to pay more taxes and President Obama is going to make damn sure she doesn’t have to.”

Vice President Biden straightened his tie.

“Democrats like me and the president believe the Constitution is a living, breathing document. There are a myriad of ways to interpret that wonderful old piece of paper. And similar to the Constitution, President Obama is a living, breathing man. A man who is evolving right before our eyes. Heck, after President Obama is re-elected he may evolve again and who knows how he’ll feel about that darn health care law.”

Biden closed his notes.

“I invite you to embrace the evolution of your president. Maybe he doesn’t support the health care law now, but who knows how he’ll feel after the election in November. Aren’t you curious how President Obama will evolve in the near future? Who knows, maybe he’ll close Guantanamo. Or maybe he won’t. But without your donations and ultimately, your vote, you may never find out.”


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3 Responses to President Obama Vows to Repeal Health Care Law

  1. Beasts_belle on July 14, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    What is the date on this?

    • Beasts_belle on July 14, 2012 at 1:27 pm

      never mind

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