NRA president, Wayne LaPierre, announced today that Mitchell Maddow, brother of MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow, will replace him as the new president of the National Rifle Association. LaPierre told reporters that Maddow was “just more qualified for the job than I am” during a Washington fundraiser for Sarah Palin.
“After meeting Mr. Maddow, it was apparent that he should be leading the NRA rather than myself,” LaPierre said. “He’s a man focused on firearms. Mr. Maddow told me when he isn’t at the firing range he’s either reading about fire arms or buying them. That’s what today’s NRA needs, someone who is not just for the freedom to own, purchase and shoot firearms, but someone who literally dreams about them. Michell Maddow is a remarkable young American gun enthusiast.”
“I didn’t have an easy childhood, “Michell revealed during his appearance on 60 Minutes last Sunday. “It all began with conflicts I had with my sister when I was a child. When she used to wear my clothes and play with my army men it really bothered me. As a teenager she would beat me up and call me names. She used to tell my girlfriends that she was more man than I was. I don’t know how many times I would be on a date and Rachel would show up, and for no reason, just start beating me up. I was so frustrated with her! I really found it hard to find my own identity.”
Michell leaned back and laughed. “But then Uncle Bert gave me a gun for Christmas when I was in college.” He stared intently, lost in thought. “That gun changed my life.”
Mitchell’s eyes lit up and he laughed at the memory.
“Anyway, after I left home for college I saw less of Rachel and began to become my own person,” he continued. “I found that I loved business, corporations and capitalism. I found that the people I was attracted to were mostly law abiding folks who believed in God and country. I made friends with Americans who liked to hunt and fish and go to football games. I started watching Fox news and for a while I even had a crush on one of their female anchors. But more important, I found that I really liked guns. I like to shoot them, clean them, hell, sometimes I just like to look at them,” he gushed. “Don’t get me going on my love for guns!”
Mr. Maddow was asked how his sister Rachel feels about his new position as president of the National Rifle Association.
“Actually, we haven’t been in touch for the last couple of years. Our relationship changed when I was in college. We both went home for Christmas one year and it was that same year that Uncle Bert bought me my first rifle.” Mitchell paused for a moment and then looked up smiling.
“Let’s just put it this way. That was the last year that my Sister beat me up.”
For you single girls out there, Mitchell Maddow is a confirmed bachelor. He will be guest hosting The O’Reilly Factor next Tuesday night. And afterward?
“I’ll be at home with my guns.”