TOPEKA, KANSAS – The pews of the Westboro Baptist Church sat empty last Easter Sunday. The doors to the church were locked, the bells remained still. The pulpit remained free from the spiritual teachings of Reverend Fred Phelps who would, on a normal Easter Sunday, be channeling the message of God to his flock while collection plates passed ceaselessly up and down the aisles.
Reverend Fred Phelps has worked the bulk of his eighty years on Earth as a servant of God. He’s worked himself and his family to the bone to rid the world of homosexuals, Jews, Swedes, Canadians, anal sex and the Irish. From the funerals of fallen American soldiers to the streets of Baghdad, Westboro church members line the streets with their signs to protest those that God hates.
Although the church lashes out regularly at cities (San Francisco), countries (Ireland) and personalities (Mr. Rogers), its main battle is against homosexuality. When a bridge collapsed in Minneapolis in 2007 and killed 13 people, Phelps and his congregation said they would protest at the victim’s funerals, claiming that Minneapolis is the “land of the sodomite damned.” Though evidence of Minneapolis being a haven for sodomy is non-existent, Reverend Phelps says the bridge collapsed because the city of Minneapolis is sodomy laden.
“Reverend Phelps is in seclusion with his family today. He will return later in the week to wreak havoc on our faggot filled world. If you are a faggot, please do not call us again!” was the recorded message on Westboro Baptist’s answering machine when called today.
Since December 2002, Reverend Fred Waldron Phelps Sr. has also been the coordinator and director of the International Ricky Martin Fan Club. His daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper, recalled how her father became infatuated with Ricky Martin.
“Oh, it seems like such a long time ago now,” she sighed, rubbing the cover of the Bible on her lap. “I remember Daddy coming in the house with a boom box in one hand and a 20 ounce Coke Classic in the other. When Daddy brought home Coke Classic we knew he was in a good mood.” She sighed, seeming to relish the thought of Coke Classic.
“He put a CD in the boom box and made us all dance around to a song called ‘She Bangs’ and he was so happy. He must have replayed that song twenty times as he danced and sang along, taking big gulps of Coke Classic and laughing. It’s such a wonderful memory.”
It was just a few months later when Reverend Phelps contacted Ricky Martin’s manager and offered to start a fan club out of Topeka.
“Phelps was phenomenal,” Ricky Martin’s manager boasted. “The man doubled Ricky’s Kansas fan club enrollment in just a few weeks. After we gave him the go-ahead to run the international club, he doubled that in six months!
“But we had no idea who this guy was,” he continued. “I mean, who would think that Ricky’s biggest fan could be a guy who hates so much? Ricky Martin is all about fun. Dancing and singing and having fun! There’s no fun in being mean to people. None whatsoever.”
When Ricky Martin confirmed that he was gay, Reverend Phelps and his family were picketing the funeral of an American soldier who recently died in Iraq. A Westboro insider spoke to reporters on condition of anonymity.
“When Reverend Phelps heard the news that Ricky Martin was gay he stood in the street with his mouth open and stared vacantly for a long time. It was really eerie because just last night the reverend and his granddaughter Jael were doing the bump to the song ‘She Bangs’ and drinking Coke Classic.
“Sometimes, after he’d had lots of Coke Classic, Rev. Phelps danced with other men to Ricky Martin songs.” The insider wiped her brow.
“Ever since Ricky Martin said he was a fag, the Reverend has been locked in his room. All he does is drink Coke Classic, watch his favorite movie Cruising, starring Al Pacino…and cry out obscenities. It kind of reminds me of The Exorcist.”
The Daily Rash stood outside Reverend Phelps locked door and attempted an interview.
The Daily Rash: Reverend Phelps? It’s The Daily Rash…may we have a few words?
Reverend Phelps: (hysterically) Oh God! Faggot! Faggot!
The Daily Rash: Reverend? Are you OK?
Reverend Phelps: Anal Vapors!
The Daily Rash: When you heard Ricky Martin was gay, how….
Phelps: RICKY!! Oh God RICKY!!
Ricky Martin’s She Bangs began to play behind the closed door.
The Daily Rash: Reverend, do you think…
Reverend Phelps: Rim-job! Corn hole! (He squeals in agony) Your Mother sucks #@$& in Hell!
There was a loud crash and the music stopped abruptly. Reverend Phelps growled like two pit bulls fighting over a piece of meat. It became silent for a moment before She Bangs began playing again.
Reverend Phelps: (Sobbing) Faggot!…Faggot Man! Oh God! Love me Ricky! Love me!
On Friday, Westboro Baptist Church will be picketing the funeral of a nine year old boy who burned to death in a fire this weekend in St. Louis.