Rick Perry Says Romney Beat Poor Elderly Woman with a Polo Mallet

New Hampshire – After getting walloped in Tuesday’s New Hampshire Republican primary, Texas Governor Rick Perry lashed out at Mitt Romney during an interview on FOX news. Perry called Romney a vulture capitalist who devours companies and leaves behind the carcases of the workers. He also said Romney was an unethical person who wants to make as much money as he can in a hurry. The Governor’s harsh words only got worse this morning when he appeared on the Maury Povich show. Following is a transcript of that interview.

MAURY POVICH:  Governor, you have some startling news for us.

RICK PERRY:  Good to see you too, Maury. Happy to be here.

MAURY POVICH:  Tell our audience why you’re here.

RICK PERRY:  Uh, well, last night I met an elderly woman at a Hardee’s in the Palmetto State of South Carolina and she begged me to stay in the race for president. She said if Mitt Romney gets the nomination that she won’t be able to sleep at night.

MAURY POVICH:  And why would she lose sleep over a Romney nomination.

RICK PERRY:  In a nutshell? Because Mitt Romney mercilessly beat her with his polo mallet.

The studio audience gasped.


Perry nodded with a vacant look in his eyes.

RICK PERRY:  And I can tell the American people right now that unlike Governor Romney, I’ve never been to a polo match. Don’t even know how the game is played, Maury. (Governor Perry winked at the camera) Uh, I’d rather be out on the shooting range, to tell you the truth.

MAURY POVICH: Tell us more about the woman Romney assaulted.

RICK PERRY:  Well Maury, she’s about the sweetest little old lady I ever did meet. She brought me uh, a piece of homemade rhubarb pie that she made from scratch with her very own hands. That’s the kind of woman she is. She represents the American values that conservative Americans are so hungry to see in the candidates that represent them.

MAURY POVICH:  And Governor Romney beat her with his polo mallet?

RICK PERRY:  You bet. Beat her about the head and neck.


RICK PERRY:  Darn tootin’.

MAURY POVICH:  How badly was she hurt?

RICK PERRY:  Pretty badly I presume. Once when I was a boy my mom hit me in the head with a skillet and that smarted pretty badly, I can tell you that.

MAURY POVICH:  Did she require medical care?

RICK PERRY:  My mom?

MAURY POVICH:  (sighs) The lady who was beaten.

RICK PERRY:  I would assume if you’re beaten with a polo mallet by a heartless vulture capitalist you’d require some attention.

MAURY POVICH:  Was she hospitalized?

RICK PERRY:  Well, if she wasn’t it’s just another example of American exceptionalism. Enduring brutal blows from a polo mallet could only happen in America, Maury, I guarantee you that.

MAURY POVICH:  Tell us the circumstances of the beating.

RICK PERRY:  Well, uh, after Mitt Romney destroyed a company and put the poor woman’s husband out of work, she went to speak to him when he was playing polo with a group of rich people. A game that I’ve never played. Don’t even know how it’s played, to be honest with you.

MAURY POVICH:  How did their meeting escalate into such a gruesome assault?

RICK PERRY:  She said that when she walked up to Governor Romney he, uh, just started bludgeoning her with his polo mallet. She said he was laughing and that $100 bills were falling out of his pockets.

MAURY POVICH:  Wouldn’t it behoove the victim to sue the Governor? He is after all a very wealthy man.

RICK PERRY:  I suggested she behoove the Governor but she doesn’t get her self-worth from the almighty dollar. She’s not interested in belonging to private clubs or playing polo. She wants to bake her pies and live a patriotic life. Governor Romney wouldn’t understand that but it resonates with the American people.

MAURY POVICH:  Governor, you came in dead last in the New Hampshire primary and Governor Romney beat you by more than 95,000 votes.

RICK PERRY:  I’m from Texas, Maury. We have big hearts and an even bigger sense of patriotism. When the going gets tough I guarantee you Texans get tough too. I’m a veteran, Maury. Don’t be fooled by the polls. They don’t fool me and they don’t fool the American people and you can take that to the bank.

MAURY POVICH:  Our staff has been researching your accusations about Governor Romney and they’ve been unable to find any evidence of him beating that woman. In fact, the picture of the woman you brought us is accessible to anyone on the Internet.

RICK PERRY:  I’m just the messenger, Maury. Just passin’ along information.

MAURY POVICH:  Governor? If you made that story up it would have catastrophic consequences on your campaign.

RICK PERRY:  Uh, all I did was share what an old lady told me at a Hardee’s in the, uh, Palmetto State. That’s all I did. If she wasn’t being forthright then she should be persecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

MAURY POVICH:  So now you’re saying she should be arrested?

RICK PERRY:  You know, when I think about it, she might have been a little off her rocker. Maybe a little cuckoo in the head.

MAURY POVICH:  So now you’re saying she is nuts?

Governor Perry looked to the side of the stage and put his hand behind his ear.

RICK PERRY:  Huh? A Gubenatorial emergency? Say no more!

Governor Perry stood up and unclipped his microphone.

RICK PERRY:  Sorry, Maury. There’s an emergency and since I’m a governor I have to go!

Governor Perry waved to the confused audience as he ran off the stage.

MAURY POVICH: Let’s have a nice round of applause for Governor Rick Perry! And tune in tomorrow when our guest will be a man who married his own father.


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