Rick Santorum Performs Exorcism in Walmart Parking Lot

Rick Santorum 2097558b Rick Santorum Performs Exorcism in Walmart Parking LotCHICAGO – In February of 2012, following his speech to a group of supporters in the parking lot of a Walmart Super Center yesterday, former Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum performed an exorcism on a woman in the back of a van. Santorum staff members confirmed the former senator liberated a woman from the maniacal clutches of Satan, but admitted his actions appear at this time to have rendered her cross-eyed. After the exorcism Santorum boarded his campaign bus and headed to Michigan to attend a fundraiser. The possessed woman, Christin Ann Brown of Chicago, said she was grateful to the former senator for evicting the demon she was harboring and that she’s acclimating herself to being cross-eyed.

During the 2008 Republican presidential race a recording surfaced of a speech Santorum gave at Florida’s Ave Maria college in 2008 when he warned of Satan having his “sights on” America, particularly its universities, politicians and even churches. In response to media inquiries Santorum made no excuses – “You know … I’m a person of faith. I believe in good and evil.”

Christin Ann Brown is a physical therapist from North Carolina who resided in New Orleans for several years before relocating to Chicago in 2009. She claims she had a normal childhood and, as far as she is aware, never showed any signs of demonic possession. She is fairly certain her initial contact with Satan transpired in New Orleans.johnnywhitesholeinthewall pic 300x223 Rick Santorum Performs Exorcism in Walmart Parking Lot

“It had to have happened after Hurricane Katrina in the French Quarter at a bar called Johnny White’s. I even saw Geraldo in there one night.”

When asked what it was like to have a former United States senator perform an exorcism on her, Christin said she has no recollection of the event.

“I was just having a normal day. I’d gone to Walmart to buy a pitchfork when I saw that Santorum was giving a speech in the parking lot. Out of curiosity I wandered over just as he stepped down from the podium to meet with people. I’d never met a senator before so I stood in line to shake his hand. As he approached he kept looking at my pitchfork out of the corner of his eye.”

Christin said that when Santorum reached her his eyes widened before he brutally struck her with his hand.

“He screamed ‘Leave Her!’ and slapped me really hard in the forehead. It really freaked me out. I staggered and said, What the f*ck?… and he hit me again. I don’t remember anything after that.”

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Photo of Christin during exorcism inside van

An eyewitness agreed with Christin’s account of the incident.

“Yep, Santorum just slapped her in the head … Pow! And then … Pow! he slapped her again. Then a group of people helped him drag the lady into the back of a van.”

Finch O’Grady is a Santorum supporter who owns the van where the exorcism took place. He spoke with reporters after the exorcism.

“After we got the possessed woman inside the van she was fighting the senator like a crack whore in heat and he was having a hard time keeping her under control. That’s when I noticed how damn cold it was. It had to have been 10 to 15 degrees below zero inside the van.”

Mr. O’Grady shivered and continued.

“Like I said, that woman was putting up a hell of a fight. Santorum had his hands around her neck screaming, ‘Get out you stupid demon!’ as he pounded her head against the floor. She was kicking and screaming and clawing like a wild cat. I won’t repeat the vile things she was saying to the senator.”

“Mr. Santorum was beating that possessed woman’s head against the floor really hard,” recalled Dave Davidson, a Santorum supporter from Indianapolis. “When she began saying nasty things about his mother he kind of lost it. He was screaming ‘What did you say about my mom? Huh? You sick, twisted f*ck!’ At that point the van began to violently shake and the woman was projectile vomiting,” Mr. Davidson said, wiping his brow. “It was pretty intense.”

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Christin Brown Adjusts to Being Cross-Eyed

Several witnesses standing outside the van said they could hear Santorum chanting inside the vehicle over the woman’s cursing:

The power of the Gipper compels you!

The power of the Gipper compels you!

The power of  the Gipper compels you!

At that point witnesses say the van stopped rocking and everything was quiet.

During the exorcism Christin Ann Brown suffered a concussion and a wrenched neck. The violent blows to the back of her head appear to have caused her eyes to cross. Doctors are hopeful they will snap back into position sometime in the near future.

In a phone call with reporters Christin said she is eager to get on with her life.

“Being rendered cross-eyed by an exorcism isn’t that big of a deal. I can handle it. What I do have a problem with is the idea of another four years of Barack Obama. That’s a cross I’m not sure I can bear.”

 

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