NEW YORK – According to a report released by the FBI this afternoon, during his presidential campaign run in 2011, former Texas Congressman Ron Paul visited the Occupy Wall Street protests in lower Manhattan where it’s alleged he handed out LSD tabs to protesters. A former spokesperson for the Ron Paul for President committee fervently denies the candidate distributed LSD.
“Representative Paul was not at the Occupy Wall Street protests so how could he have been dispensing LSD to those people?”
Yet several revolutionaries are claiming that Ron Paul not only gave them LSD, but encouraged them to build nuclear weapons at home in their spare time.
“That Ron Paul guy was really cool,” proclaimed 22-year-old protester, Columbia University student Dylan Baez Shwartzkoff. “Dude gave me and my girlfriend some awesome acid and said if we voted for him he’d decriminalize drugs and make them available in schools along with condoms and small firearms.”
Other protesters allege Paul told them his administration would not punish anyone for having a nuclear weapon.
“Yeah, that dude was pretty radical,” exclaimed 19-year-old protester Nirvana Tweedsdale. “He turned me and my friends on to some awesome LSD and then hung out with us. Mr. Ron gave us pamphlets about constitutional freedoms and surviving nuclear fallout. At one point after the acid had kicked in, Mr. Ron leaned in and whispered: ‘how would you like to have an atom bomb of your very own?’ I must have been tripping pretty heavy at that point because when I looked at him there was a small naked man draped around his shoulders gnawing on a candy apple.”
Many protesters who tripped on Ron Paul’s LSD said they experienced hallucinations about President Obama.
Skip Boyle, Indianapolis – “I saw President Obama sitting on top of a van weeping openly, clutching a tear soaked towel. Then Cloris Leachman flew over me on a big black bird. She had bright blue lips and was shrieking Ron Paul! Ron Paul! down at the crowd. When the bird flew away President Obama began humming Simon and Garfunkel’s Sounds of Silence and danced slowly with himself as Cloris Leachman’s Ron Paul! Ron Paul! echoed faintly from the heavens.”
Christin Hemmens, Chicago – “I saw President Obama up to his neck in a big stack of pancakes. There was an enormous pat of butter on top of his head that resembled McDonald’s founder, Ray Kroc. As the butter began to melt and engulf President Obama, Cloris Leachman flew above us straddling a very large crow and screeched Ron Paul! Ron Paul! It was pretty awesome. Then my arms morphed into German chocolate cake with delightful tasting icing and I began to eat myself.”
Lewis Umbrellahem, New York - “That lady on the bird rocked, man!”
Bernard Angelopoulos, Carrboro, NC – “Ron Paul was radical, bro. He turned me and my friend onto some primo acid and told us if we voted for him we could have a nuclear bomb. Then I saw Burt Bacharach in the bushes having sex with Gladys Knight. Ron Paul for President, dude!”
When reached for comment after attending a meeting in Washington last night, Ron Paul said he had no idea what the Wall Street protesters were talking about and denied giving anyone LSD.
“Oh, that’s all just so much nonsense,” he barked as he got into a waiting car.