Roving Bands of Ducks Terrorize Chicago

CHICAGO – At a press conference today in Daley Plaza, Chicago Police Chief Garry McCarthy assured this terrified city that his officers and federal agents were diligently working to subdue the diabolical ducks that have been preying on citizens and tourists for the past several months. Chief McCarthy was quick to add that intelligence reports from the FBI and CIA confirm that there is nothing to suggest the ducks have any ties to Al-Qaeda.

“Make no mistake, these ducks are shrewd, conniving and dastardly, but there is no evidence that they are affiliated with Al Qaeda or any other terrorist organizations. In fact, opposed to terror, these malicious bottom feeders use their precious baby ducklings to exploit the compassion and affection of kindhearted citizens while they covertly plunder them from behind. Yesterday a business man from Denver was the victim of a gang of ducks who robbed him, not only of his money and his credit cards, but his BlackBerry cell phone. The ducks proceeded to make profanity laced prank phone calls to every person on the poor man’s contact list, which included his 86 year-old mother.”

Police Chief McCarthy addresses dastardly ducks

Bert and Helen Krapper of Carrboro, North Carolina, had been looking forward to their Chicago vacation since January. To raise the money Bert worked overtime at the toothpick factory where he’s been employed since 1993 and Helen sold her beautiful handmade potholders on Ebay. When they arrived in Chicago last Thursday, the Krappers checked into their 31st floor room at the luxurious Hyatt Regency hotel and eagerly prepared to begin their five days in the big city.

“After we checked in my wife powdered her nose and I changed into my summer slacks and sneakers,” Bert recalled. “Oh, we were so excited. Our first stop was the Tribune building on Michigan Avenue and then across the street to the Wrigley building. We’ve seen them on TV so we were eager to take pictures and post them on Facebook.”

Bert said the ducks approached them outside the Wrigley building.

Bert & Helen Krapper arrive in Chicago

“When Helen saw the baby ducks her maternal instincts kicked in so of course she had to try and pet them. After several minutes we returned to photographing the Wrigley building and enjoying the sights. A few minutes later I realized I didn’t have my wallet. I was hoping I’d left it in the hotel room, but when Helen said she couldn’t find her pocketbook we knew something was fishy in Denmark.”

Security cameras captured the Krappers outside the Wrigley building excitedly taking photographs. When they turned their attention to the adorable ducklings, several adult ducks stealthily crept up behind them. When the baby ducks began quaking loudly, right on cue the adult ducks quickly lifted Bert’s wallet from his back pocket and snagged Helen’s from her purse.

“We didn’t suspect anything,” Bert cried. “They got away with every dime we had. By the time we reported our credit cards stolen the ducks had already maxed them out. We were completely broke and we’d been in the city a grand total of 90 minutes. We were forced to fly back home where we spent the remaining days of our vacation watching Hoarders reruns and eating Spam sandwiches.”

CIA photo of secret training camp

A Chicago patrol officer told The Daily Rash that people taking pictures of tourist attractions is one of the telltale signs these duck gangs employ when scouting for victims.

“Oh yeah, if those ducks see you snapping pictures of the Tribune building you’re pretty much inviting trouble. You might as well be waving a big white flag and yelling come and get me! I’m a tourist with a lot of cash!”

The officer warned of the sinister determination of the ducks.

“These ducks may look innocent and adorable, but don’t be fooled. Each and every one of these hardened criminals has gone through vigorous and thorough training at a secret camp. If we don’t stop them soon there’s no telling how devastating the repercussions could be. Personally, until every duck is behind bars I won’t let my family near downtown Chicago.”


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