WASHINGTON – The White House announced this morning that because of the automatic spending cuts known as sequestration, President Obama was forced to tell Michelle Obama’s mother, Marian Robinson, she had to move out of the White House. Moments after his mother-in-law and her possessions disappeared through the gates of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave in a rented U-haul truck, Obama met with reporters in the Rose Garden. The president’s tone was melancholy as he answered questions about moving his children’s grandmother out of the White House and into a small apartment in the southeastern part of the city.
REPORTER: Mr. President, why was it necessary to make your mother-in-law move out of the White House?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Because the funds necessary to heat her room, provide her meals and pay her cable bill dried up a few hours after the sequestration kicked in. It’s the last thing I wanted to do but the Republicans left me with little choice.
REPORTER: Are you sending her back to Chicago?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: We were able to pull a few strings and get her into a government housing facility that’s relatively close to the White House.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Oh sure. Something like this is never easy. My wife is very upset and my children are confused. But what can you do? If the money’s gone you’re kind of stuck. It’s not like I didn’t warn everyone about the devastating effects of sequestration.
REPORTER: But Mr. President, wasn’t it possible for you and Mrs. Obama to get the money to keep your mother-in-law from having to move away from her family?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: With a 16 trillion dollar debt looming over our nation it would not be prudent at this time to borrow more money from China. It’s not a secret how serious I am about eliminating our debt.
REPORTER: How does Mrs. Robinson feel about having to move out? Is she angry with you?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Understandably she’s disappointed. But she is well aware that, along with the stagnant economy and soaring national debt, the blame for her eviction falls on my predecessor and the Republican congress.
REPORTER: Because of the sequestration cuts your mother-in-law will no longer have secret service protection. As a parting gift Vice President Biden gave her a sawed off double barrel shotgun and a dozen boxes of shells to protect herself in her new residence. Do you approve of Mr. Biden’s gift?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Well, the area where she’ll be living ain’t exactly Mayberry, if you know what I’m saying. Fact is, the crime rate is one of the highest in the city. So Joe’s gift affords us a small token of reassurance that mom will be able to protect herself. It’s only a matter of weeks until those 175 million jobs are lost, which will spark the inevitable collapse of public transportation systems along with the police and fire departments. The inability to pay our prison guards is going to flood the streets with rapists and murderers while the release of demented psychotics from government run mental hospitals will only escalate the carnage. Knowing mom has her double barrel shotgun will be a comfort and help us sleep at night.
REPORTER: So you’re not too worried about her?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Oh, she’ll be fine. I have no doubt that in no time she’ll make some new friends who will help fill the time she used to spend following us around.