Slaughter in Libya, Nightmare in Japan, Obama Goes Golfing

WASHINGTON – When told that the potential of a meltdown at Japanese nuclear plants is increasing at a distressing rate, President Obama shook his head in disappointment before grabbing his clubs and heading to the golf course. As he was leaving the President told reporters that nuclear leaks and tsunamis are “unfortunate” and he has every intention of giving a speech about it very soon. He said he has confidence in Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s ability to understand what’s happening in the world. He added that he’s sure she confers with her husband on solutions that will make us all feel better.

“There’s a reason I picked Hillary for that job, so obviously I have the utmost faith in her ability to do whatever she and the U.N. can do to deal with some of the problems out there.”

When reporters asked the President if he planned to implement a no-fly zone in Libya, the President whispered with his Chief of Staff before telling reporters that he’s confident that the right people in the right positions are looking into the right options in that region of the world.

Obama admitted that with the NCAA tournament beginning he’s going to be pressed for time regarding all the problems in the world. When a staff member reminded Obama that more teams are in the tournament this year, Obama nodded enthusiastically. 

“That’s a lot of teams!” the President barked excitedly, much to the merriment of the press. “With that many games in such a short amount of time, I’ll barely have enough time to get in a few holes between appearances on The View and trips downtown in the middle of the day for televised cheeseburgers with Joe.”

The U.S. Capital experienced major gridlock yesterday after streets were closed to enable President Obama to travel to a Mall and do a little shopping. Spending the majority of his time at Urban Outfitters, the President purchased a pair of dad jeans, a yellow and white polo shirt, Hula Hoops for the girls and a head scarf for Mrs. Obama. When he told the salesclerk that she should consider running for office one day, everyone laughed gleefully and the girl blushed. Outside the store he was asked by a fan what he thought would happen to the Japanese people. Obama said he’d spoken with important people and was very close to forming an opinion.

During a stop at Baskin Robbins (the President ordered one scoop of strawberry ice cream in a waffle cone) someone asked him what he thought about the uprisings in the middle east, particularly the actions of Gaddafi against his own people.

“The peaceful people of the Middle East have had to deal with recent disruptions in their lives like protests and apparently, mayhem. I’ve been informed about some of the mean things Gaddafi is accused of doing, but I don’t want to rush into assumptions until I get all the facts. I’m sure we all remember the racist white cop incident with my friend Henry Gates at Harvard!” Obama laughed along with the delighted reporters. “You’re not going to see me assume anything too quickly for a while…I can’t drink that much beer!” The reporters laughed drunkenly as the President smiled.

Yesterday Hillary Clinton told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer that she has absolutely no intention of continuing as Secretary of State for another term. Looking disheveled and worn, Clinton staff members have said that Mrs. Clinton no longer bothers to wash her hair or wear make-up. “She had no idea the amount of work involved with being Secretary of State would be so strenuous,” a senior staff member told the Daily Rash. “It was a whole lot easier when she was in the Senate and could take three hour lunches. Now she has to choose between washing her hair or trying to get a handle on all the issues Obama doesn’t have time for.”

Tomorrow President Obama starts off his day with an appearance on LIVE! with Regis and Kelly, followed by nine holes of golf with Bruce Springsteen and Carol Burnett. Later in the day the President will play basketball with Kareem Abdul Jabbar, Harrison Ford and Rosie O’Donnell before hosting a dinner at the White House for the remaining cast of Two and a Half Men. (A White House insider said that Charlie Sheen was invited, but he declined when notified that he would be subject to a cavity search)

On Saturday the President and his family will be flying to Hawaii for a three week vacation on the exclusive Kona-Kohala Coast. The First Family will be staying at the Four Seasons Resort Hualalai at historic Ka’upuleha. Within walking distance of the Jack Nicklaus golf course, President Obama confided to friends that he is determined to take a couple strokes off his game.

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