WASHINGTON – In a congressional hearing room filled with reporters, photographers and members of the House Judiciary subcommittee, Texas Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee was playing her favorite game, Pigs A Pop’n, on her iPhone. Her periodic sighs of frustration with the game were muffled by the click of camera shutters, murmurs of confusion from fellow committee members and intermittent flatulent eruptions from Congressman Jerry Nadler.
“Is this thing on?” Stephen Colbert tapped the microphone he was speaking into. His voice echoed off the congressional walls as onlookers squirmed in their seats.
“Is this a Judiciary Committee or an oil painting?”
Subcommittee Chairwoman, California Congresswoman Zoe Lofgren, invited Stephen Colbert to speak at the committee hearing on immigration. She was confused that Colbert seemed to be making jokes about immigrant farm workers. Her congressional colleagues were throwing looks of disdain in her direction and the more Colbert talked the more it looked like her invitation to him might very well have been a mistake.
“I’m not a fan of the government doing anything. But I’ve got to ask: Why isn’t the government doing anything? Maybe this Agriculture Jobs Bill would help. I don’t know. Like most members of Congress, I haven’t read it.”
Sheila Lee Jackson smiled to herself as she popped three pigs. See? Even this guy hasn’t read the bill! Why’s everybody asking me if I read the bill? I ain’t the only one hasn’t read that damn bill!
“This is America! I don’t want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan, then served by a Venezuelan, in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.”
Maxine Waters squirmed in her seat. This guy is obviously a Tea-bagging racist. Wait until this is over and I convene a committee to investigate his racism, classism and insensitive-ism. That’ll take the spotlight off my upcoming indictments!
Georgia Congressman Hank Johnson sat gazing at a wall with a blank expression. Last March, during a House Armed Services Committee hearing on the defense budget, Congressman Johnson expressed some personal worries. Speaking about the island of Guam, he made a tipping motion with his hands and said, “My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize.”
“When you pick beans you have to spend all day bending over and as it turns out, most soil is at ground level! If we can put a man on the moon, why can’t we make the earth waist high? C’mon! Where’s the funding?”
Congressman Johnson smirked as he took a sip of U.N. Approved bottled water. So I was stupid when I worried about Guam tipping over? I’m the one who doesn’t know what he’s talking about? This clown wants to make farms waist high and he wants us to pay for it? Lord have mercy!
Colbert lowered his notes and looked at the committee, “I’ve gotten more laughs at an amputation!”
He looked back at his notes.
“America’s farms are far too dependent on immigrant labor to pick our fruits and vegetables. Now the obvious answer is for all of us to stop eating fruits and vegetables. And if you look at the recent obesity statistics you’ll see that many Americans have already started. ”
New York Congressman Jerry Nadler grimaced when he realized that he’d lost the metal key that opens the canned ham he’d smuggled into the hearing. I was able to gnaw a canned ham open once before, but there’s a throng of video cameras here covering this Comedy Central Bozo. I don’t know how long I can hold out!
As Stephen Colbert’s speech wound down, Chairwoman Lofgren sighed with relief and looked through her upcoming committee hearings…Hmmm, I’ve got Carrot Top speaking at the Crime hearing on the 28th and Andrew Dice Clay at the Home Foreclosure hearing in October. But after today I’m wondering, should I cancel Michael Vick at the Animal adoption hearing in November?