LOS ANGELES – International rock star and celebrity Gordon Sumner, better known around the world as Sting, admitted on the Tyra Banks Show last week that for the past twenty-five years he’s been having an affair with himself.
Audience members gasped, some even running from the studio holding their stomachs. One woman said that she found herself questioning the meaning of life. Many others rallied behind the disgraced rock star and later vowed to support him through his painful withdrawal from himself.
For years there have been rumors about why his rock band the Police disbanded in 1986. Many have wondered if indeed there was a “Yoko” in the life of one of the three members that led to the band’s dissolution. But with no visible evidence skeptics lost interest and only a few die-hard conspiracy theorists continued to investigate.
“I knew there was a monkey wrench thrown in the mix somewhere, but I just couldn’t put the pieces together,” said Ronnie Blackburn of Lafayette, Indiana. Ronnie’s research into the demise of the Police in 1987 became an obsession. But without any solid evidence of wrong doing Ronnie was labeled a lunatic by his family and friends. Since February of 1994 he’s been homeless and battling drug and pornography addictions.
“When I heard that Sting professed his love for himself on the Tyra Banks show, I knew that there was hope for me too. I’ve vowed to be free of my drug addictions by the end of the year and with help from God I might be able to kick the porn addiction at some point too.”
The day after Sting’s announcement, Police drummer Stewart Copeland and guitarist Andy Summers appeared on CNN.
“It’s been so troubling all these years,” Copeland confessed. “When I heard Sting’s confession on the Tyra Banks Show last week I was so relieved. I’ve been harboring his secret for so many years.”
Copeland paused to collect himself.
“It got to the point that I couldn’t even be around Sting if he was with himself. Sure, we were all cordial and stuff, but trying to work while he was giggling and whispering to himself was very taxing. The lovey eyes, the extended and noisy trips to the loo. When he sat in that little chair, which was barely large enough for one person, cuddling himself while we were trying to mix our record, it just got to be too much. I resorted to dubbing my drum parts when they weren’t around.”
Guitarist Andy Summers recalled the last days of the band.
“It was getting to be a pretty bumpy ride in the studio. Sting always arrived late when he was with himself. He’d give us the heartfelt excuses and apologies…but then the giggling would start. Then we’d have to deal with the ventures to the loo, which seemed to last forever. We’d sit in the studio pretending not to hear the passionate panting and moaning. The engineers had to boost the volume when there were guests in the studio. The moment when it all came crashing down for me was when I realized that Sting had written the song ‘Every Breath You Take’ to himself.”
The day after the Tyra Banks Show taping, Sting admitted himself into the Betty Ford Narcissism Rehab unit in Omaha, Nebraska. A spokesperson from the rehab said Sting has not looked at himself for over three days. His two cell phones have been turned off and all other means of communications between Sting and himself are being closely monitored. Several attempts have been made to contact his wife Trudy, but a close source says she has gone into seclusion.
“Trudy was the only one aware of the fact that Sting’s tales of eight hour Tantric sex orgies were with himself. Trudy was always home by herself when they took place. She is happy that she can now find closure from the humiliation of having to lie to her girlfriends about the marathon sex romps she was supposed to be having with her famous husband. She is now holding out hope that the third wheel in the relationship is gone for good and that just she and Sting can at some point live happily ever-after.”