Posts Tagged ‘ alcoholism ’

Disabled Shoe Salesman Claims He’s Herman Cain’s Illegitimate Son

Disabled Shoe Salesman Claims He’s Herman Cain’s Illegitimate Son

NORTH CAROLINA – In a shocking turn of events for the Herman Cain campaign, a Carrboro, North Carolina man says that his gravely ill mother confessed to him on her death bed that Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain is his biological father. Delashaun Friedman, a former shoe salesman who lives on disability benefits, said...
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New Jersey Suntan Legend Ignores Hurricane Irene Evacuation Order

New Jersey Suntan Legend Ignores Hurricane Irene Evacuation Order

ATLANTIC CITY – Even as New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie praised residents who evacuated in response to the overblown hysteria of Hurricane Irene, suntan legend Myrtle Shaughnessy assured worried friends and family members that she would be perfectly safe in her Atlantic City beachfront condominium, having stocked up on Old Fashioned Loaf lunch meat,...
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Elizabeth Taylor Challenged Charlie Sheen to Try and Out-Party Her

Elizabeth Taylor Challenged Charlie Sheen to Try and Out-Party Her

BEVERLY HILLS – During a press conference several weeks before she passed away, a defiant Elizabeth Taylor lashed out at Charlie Sheen, calling his self-described epic drug fests “amateur” and “exaggerated.” Without attempting to hide her profoundly bloodshot eyes from cameras, Taylor told a group of reporters outside the Chateau Marmont Hotel that she’d just...
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Pre-Super Bowl Angst Causes Man to Shoot His Neighbors

Pre-Super Bowl Angst Causes Man to Shoot His Neighbors

GARDEN GROVE, CALIFORNIA – Ned Cockburn says he’s always been an obsessed NFL fanatic. A grown man who is crazy about the game, spending what he calls an “unhealthy” amount of time in front of the television watching NFL games, highlights, replays and analysis. Yesterday Ned shot sixteen of his neighbors because he was...
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Win a Dream Date with Charlie Sheen Before He Dies

Win a Dream Date with Charlie Sheen Before He Dies

BEVERLY HILLS – In an effort to raise money for future legal fees, Charlie Sheen’s production company Crash and Burn Productions, along with investors Bruce Jenner, Hulk Hogan and Brett Michaels, is sponsoring a nation wide contest in which some lucky girl can win an all expense paid weekend date with Charlie Sheen, former...
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Conan O’Brien Commercials Cause Sober Man to Drink

Conan O’Brien Commercials Cause Sober Man to Drink

PHOENIX – After two decades of sustained sobriety, Kurt Kammerdiener leapt off the proverbial wagon last week with a vengeance, landing with a resounding and tempestuous thud. Once a rising star in the upper echelons of the Arizona business and social communities, today Kurt is more like a tragic comet, plummeting to earth in...
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Charlie Sheen’s Hairpiece Arrested, Held Without Bail

Charlie Sheen’s Hairpiece Arrested, Held Without Bail

NEW YORK – Charlie Sheen’s publicist told reporters today that Charlie was a victim not the culprit in Tuesday’s drunken, drug induced debacle at New York’s Plaza Hotel. The publicist had originally said that Charlie’s actions were due to an allergic reaction to medication, but now asserts that Sheen’s hairpiece caused him get drunk,...
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Obama Fires Petraeus, Gary Busey to Lead War in Afghanistan

WASHINGTON – After firing Stanley McChrystal and announcing at a White House press conference that he would be replacing him with General David Petraeus, President Obama retracted his statements an hour later on the Nancy Grace Show, saying he was instead going to nominate Gary Busey to replace Petraeus, who’d just replaced McChrystal. President...
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In a Moment of Clarity, Gore Vidal Says He is Insane

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Yesterday Gore Vidal snapped out of his psychotic stupor, looked around him and asked for a glass of water. His aide brought him a glass of water and Vidal drank it. He then gave the glass back to his aide and looked at his reflection in a mirror on the wall...
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