Posts Tagged ‘ global warming ’

Al Gore: ‘Global Warming Will Cause Millions of People’s Heads to Explode’

NEW YORK –  Former Vice President Al Gore issued a joint statement with the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) this morning warning that unless drastic measures are taken this year to curb global warming, millions of people’s heads are going to explode. Speaking to U.N. delegates at the One World Economic Forum, Gore...
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Biden Says Released Detainees More Focused on Climate Change Than Jihad

WASHINGTON – While speaking to seniors about shotgun ownership at the Eternal Cul-de-Sac retirement home in Bethesda this morning, Vice President Biden was interrupted several times with questions about President Obama releasing five Guantanamo detainees in exchange for American prisoner, Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl. Each time the vice president brought the conversation back to the...
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Obama Appoints Reverend Al Sharpton Global Warming Czar

WASHINGTON – During this morning’s White House briefing Jay Carney confirmed President Obama will appoint Al Sharpton to be the administration’s new Global Warming Czar. Carney said the president was astonished at the scientific brilliance Sharpton displayed when he explained man-made climate change earlier this week on MSNBC. “The president happened to tune into...
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Al Gore Slams Vatican Over Use of Deadly Smoke Signals

Al Gore Slams Vatican Over Use of Deadly Smoke Signals

NASHVILLE – Former Vice President Al Gore lashed out at the Vatican this morning, calling the tradition of releasing smoke into the atmosphere during papal conclave voting “fundamentally negligent” and “grossly inappropriate.” He also questioned the morality behind using what he called the “ancient pagan ritual of carbon emissions worship” in order to advance...
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Al Gore Trapped in Blizzard En Route to Climate Fundraiser

CHICAGO – Former vice president and current global warming superstar, Albert Arnold Gore Jr., was trapped in his limousine on Chicago’s Lake Shore Drive last night for thirty minutes after the limo slid into a twelve foot snowbank. Although Mr. Gore did not receive any physical injuries, his driver said that Mr. Gore may...
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Meteorologist Rosie O’Donnell Says Deadly Tornadoes Caused by Global Warming

Meteorologist Rosie O’Donnell Says Deadly Tornadoes Caused by Global Warming

NEW YORK – Internationally famous meteorologist and comedian, Rosie O’Donnell, has determined that global warming is the culprit behind last week’s deadly tornadoes. O’Donnell shared the results of her research during an interview on NPR this morning, confirming what other celebrity scientists have been warning about for quite some time. “Miss O’Donnell is in...
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Al Gore Addicted to Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation

NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE – Tipper Gore broke her silence this week and opened up about her divorce from former Vice President Al Gore. In an interview with Vibe magazine, Tipper shocked many people close to the family when she disclosed startling details of Al Gore’s predilection for kinky sex. According to the article, husband Al’s...
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Al Gore Postpones Copenhagen to Hear Tiger Woods Confess

JUNIPER ISLAND, FL – Over the weekend, Vice President Al Gore postponed a lucrative trip to Copenhagen so he might convince golf impresario Tiger Woods to confess to him. Gore told reporters that at this point in his life, a confession from Tiger Woods would be “even more important” to him than the global...
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When Do I Get My Health Insurance?

PEORIA, IL – While traveling through western Peoria last weekend, I stopped for coffee and apple pie at a truck stop. It was a very busy day in the restaurant, so to save time I agreed to share a table with a fine family from Wisconsin. They were going to see their grandmother in...
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