The Addition of Cheerleaders at Obama Inauguration Fails to Boost TV Ratings

WASHINGTON – For the first time in the history of American presidential inaugurations, cheerleaders performed at the ceremonial swearing-in ceremony of the 57th Presidential Inauguration. Following Obama’s inauguration speech, the throng of jubilant spectators surrounding the stage in front of the U.S. Capitol were elated when the voluptuous cheerleaders were introduced by Chief Justice John Roberts. Kicking their legs and shaking their pom-poms the girls led the euphoric crowd in a cheer for the president.

“Give me an O!”

“Give me  a  B!”

“Give me an A!”

“Give me an M!”

“Give me an A!”

“What’s that spell?”

“OBAMA!” the crowd enthusiastically responded.

“Who do we love?”


Spectators and politicians alike erupted into wild applause when the cheerleaders began to bump and grind as George Michael’s “I Want Your Sex” blasted over loud speakers.

When asked about having cheerleaders at the inauguration, White House Chief of Staff Jack Lew told reporters the administration had been concerned that the contrast between the millions of people who attended the inauguration four years ago and this year’s much smaller audience might dampen the spirits of supporters. He said Obama wanted a way to encourage people to watch his inauguration on television to help boost his Nielsen ratings.

“We knew there was no way this year’s inauguration would mirror the euphoria of 2009. So we began brainstorming ways to entice people who might be tuning into A&E‘s 24-hour Martin Luther King Day “Dog the Bounty Hunter” marathon. Of course we’d also be competing with a dozen channels carrying the Judge Judy show, so we were hard pressed to come up with ideas to attract viewers. It was actually President Clinton who suggested hiring cheerleaders. He said young women bending over in shorts had an uncanny ability to attract attention, sometimes to the point of marginalizing individual freedoms and even tarnishing legacies. Vice President Biden concurred, saying if tits and ass can sell diarrhea remedies and toilet cleaners, then there’s a good chance they might add some luster to an otherwise stuffy political ceremony. President Obama said having cheerleaders at his inauguration would make him look cool to young people.”

Because the cheerleaders would be in close proximity to the president and other important political leaders, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, Janet Napalitano, personally took responsibility for patting down and frisking the girls. In deference to national security, she also deemed it necessary to perform comprehensive cavity searches. Although several of the cheerleaders said they felt violated during the prolonged, aggressive foraging, Secretary Napalitano had made it clear that without submitting to the invasive probing, one could not obtain the security clearance to cheer for President Obama on national TV.

Although the cheerleaders attracted lots of attention at the inauguration, their presence failed to inflate the television ratings for the event. Compared with the 2009 inauguration, MSNBC’s ratings dropped by 25%, CNN was significantly lower with a 61% drop and Fox News suffered a whopping 75% drop in viewers.

After the ceremony, as President Obama and guests prepared to wrap up the inauguration with a night of merry making, President Clinton discovered that Hillary had accepted an invitation from Janet Napalitano to attend a “girl’s only” party that included a meet-and-greet with the cheerleaders. The former president, however, wasn’t going to let being left alone deter him from celebrating. After accepting an invitation to a party being thrown by the ‘Foundation of Young Democratic Women’ at Georgetown University, President Clinton told his security detail they would need to stop someplace along the way where he could buy a cigar.”


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