Todd Akin Pledges to Double Rapists’ Child Support Payments

ST. LOUIS – In an effort to gain support from Missouri voters who might be uneasy with his recent comments about rape and abortion, Congressman Todd Akin told a group of senior citizens at the One Way Ticket nursing home this afternoon that his first priority as a U. S. senator would be to introduce a bill that would force rapists to pay double the child support payments that non-rapists pay.

“I have thought longer and harder about my abortion and rape statements and I want to say again that they were wrong,” he confessed. “I was so sorry, I even starred in a video that shows me apologizing. I shouldn’t have said women can’t get pregnant when they’re raped. It was something my grampa told me when I was six years-old and I always believed it was true. Also, I understand now that rape is rape, whether it’s legitimate or not. So I humbly stand before you today and promise that if you elect me as your senator I vow to make rapists who impregnate their victims pay more for child support than non-rapists.”

There was a smattering of applause from the half-dozen or so nursing home residents.

“But how can we expect our rapists to pay more child support if they don’t have jobs?” he continued. “Under President Obama the unemployment rate has been over 8 percent his entire time in office. Who can say what percentage of the unemployed are rapists? When I’m your senator I will lower taxes and slash regulations so that every rapist who impregnates his victim will have easy access to a good paying job. And you can take that to the bank!”

Akin told reporters outside the nursing home that there’s a “new sheriff” in town.

“I want to put all the rapists out there on notice; you’re not welcome in the state of Missouri,” he barked. “And if you do come here, your going to have to answer to Todd Akin. That means getting a job and taking responsibility for your child.”

Missouri citizens had varied reactions to Congressman Akin’s statements:

“I don’t think a rapist should pay more child support just because he’s a rapist. Why shouldn’t bank robbers or arsonists have to pay more? What about peeping toms?” – Dale Dalton, St. Louis

“I think rapists should be forced to work with the blind.” – Clyde Hopper, Hannibal, Missouri

“I think making rapists pay more child support is a good idea. I would even support limiting their visitation privileges to one weekend a month, too.” – Candii Ann Shoemaker, Branson, Missouri

“What I’m concerned with is how the burden of additional child support will impact the rapist’s rehabilitation. My brother was a rapist, but someone shot him in the head. I’ve wondered who he might be today if he’d had access to rehabilitative programs. Except for the rape stuff, he was a pretty decent guy.” – Snyder Snadcliff,  St. Louis

“The fear of looming child support payments is bound to make lots of rapists use protection. That will so help to cut down on rape pregnancies.” – Kyleii Ann Smith, Springfield

After speaking to a group of union bowling league members in Needles, CA. today, Vice President Biden responded to questions about Akin’s plan to make rapists pay more child support than non-rapists.

“Congressman Akin just doesn’t get it. Does he really believe making a rapist pay more child support will change anything? I’ve got a better idea. What if we make the rapist raise the damn kid himself? How ’bout that? Gosh darn it, make him take the kid home and change some diapers, wipe up some vomit. Make him go to PTA meetings and little league games. He’s not going to get much sleep when he’s up all night worrying when the kid doesn’t come home. Believe me, it won’t take very long till he’s gonna be too worn out to rape anybody. Hell, he’ll be lucky if he’s got enough energy to make a move on the little woman at home.”

Although the Akin campaign was hoping to redeem itself with the rapist child support idea, the following email from the RNC dashed any hope for support in the near future:

To: Congressman Todd Akin,

For the love of God, man, just drop out of the f*cking race all ready.


Reince Priebus
Chairman, Republican National Committee

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