WASHINGTON – Yet another Herman Cain scandal has been unearthed by the Politico news organization. The website reports that two women, who ask to remain anonymous, have come forward and said that in the late nineties Republican presidential candidate, Herman Cain, beat them senseless with a frozen turkey after they refused to accompany him to his residence. Politico claims that the women are terrified to make public statements for fear that Cain will track them down and beat them again with a frozen turkey, possibly even with a canned ham.
Politico reporter Newman Schumann confirmed that both women refuse to offer any details of the turkey beatings other than to say it was at the hands of Republican presidential candidate, Herman Cain.
“Both women have made it clear that they do not want to die,” Schumann reports.
Politico acknowledged that it does not have any additional details about the turkey clubbings other than the bird Cain used was indeed frozen.
“Both women claim the turkey they were beaten with was frozen,” Schumann confirmed, “but their stories differ about the size of the bird. One woman estimated the weight of the frozen turkey Cain beat her with to be somewhere between fifteen and seventeen pounds whereas the other woman says that Cain beat her with a frozen turkey that was at least twenty pounds. Furthermore, one victim is sure the turkey she was beaten with was brined while the other is certain her bird was not. Which of course leads us to conclude that Herman Cain beat these women with different turkeys.”
Herman Cain’s campaign manager Mark Block appeared on ABC’s The View earlier today and denied that his candidate ever beat a woman with a frozen turkey.
“Not only has he never beaten a woman with a frozen turkey, he’s never beaten a woman, period!”
“Never?” Joy Behar barked.
“Can you prove that?” Barbara Walters chimed in. “I mean, already there are two women who claim Herman Cain beat them with frozen turkeys. How many more will speak up tomorrow and the next day? What happens next week when more anonymous women make startling accusations against Herman Cain without divulging any details? Let’s be honest, is this the kind of man we want as our President?”
Suddenly Whoopie Goldberg’s eyes widened and she exclaimed, “My God! What on earth are you doing?”
“What?” Mark Block asked, puffing on a cigarette.
“For Christ’s sake, millions of people who don’t have cancer are watching,” Barbara Walters screamed before joining the rest of The View women as they stormed off the stage in terror. In an effort to keep from inhaling cigarette smoke, Joy Behar frantically waved her hand in front of her face, coughing convulsively as she ran. When Whoopie Goldberg began to projectile vomit studio security members grabbed Mark Block, stomped out his cigarette and gruffly led him out of the studio.
Politico also confirmed that a man has come forward who says he watched as Herman Cain beat one of the women with a frozen turkey. The man said that he cannot discuss details of what he witnessed or reveal his identity because he does not want Herman Cain to bludgeon him with a turkey.
A confidential source inside Politico told the Daily Rash that on Monday their elite team of journalists will reveal a woman who alleges Herman Cain pronounced her name in a suggestive manner, and still another woman who says that the inappropriate way Herman Cain told her that she reminded him of his daughter caused her to develop an alcohol problem that has ruined her life.