BRADFORD, PA – After finally giving up on appealing his tax evasion conviction, Wesley Snipes turned himself in yesterday to McKean Federal Prison to begin serving his three year sentence. After several hours of processing and orientation, Wesley Snipes was assigned a cell and then introduced to his new cellmate, Gregor “Bug Man” Samsa. After more processing, Wesley Snipes was taken back and locked inside the nine-by-twelve cell he’ll be sharing with Mr. Samsa for the next three years.
Gregor “Bug Man” Samsa is in his second year of a six year sentence for burglary and grand larceny convictions. Three years ago it was discovered he’d burrowed into his vacationing neighbor’s basement, eaten all the food in their freezer and pantry, chewed holes in the furniture, linens and several expensive sweaters, and was in the process of building what appeared to be a nest in the corner of their laundry room. At the trial his lawyer attempted an insanity defense, claiming that his client awoke one morning to discover that he was an insect. But the jury didn’t bite and Mr. Samsa was sentenced to six years at McKean.
Warden Kent Clark says the initial meeting between Wesley Snipes and Mr. Samsa went without incident.
“The Bug Man is not one for small talk. After quickly shaking hands with Mr. Snipes he scurried back to his bunk. He tends to keep to himself most of the time. As long as Wesley Snipes isn’t looking for conversation from his cell-mate, I don’t foresee any problems in the next three years of his stay with us.”
Several sources inside the prison claim that although Gregor “Bug Man” Samsa is viewed by many as peculiar and unusual, he’s never harmed anyone or been in trouble. Bill Bailey, who’s worked as a guard at McKean prison for twenty-seven years, said he’s confident that over time Wesley Snipes will grow accustomed to Bug Man’s “offbeat” behaviors.
“Bug Man has a couple of peculiarities that I’m confident Wesley Snipes will eventually learn to tolerate. For example, Bug Man suffers from profuse sweating, chronic diarrhea and he doesn’t like to bathe… which makes for a less than appealing aroma inside a nine-by-twelve foot cell. But we do provide plenty of cans of Glade air fresheners and several of Bug Man’s previous cell-mates have found relief with large, pungent bowls of potpourri, scented candles and strong colognes. Once he adjusts, there’s no reason Mr. Snipes shouldn’t feel comfortable in his new cell.”
Officer Bill Bailey paused to bark an order into his walki-talkie.
“Bug Man does have one sore spot though,” he continued, “He doesn’t enjoy being looked at while he’s moving his bowels, which, because of his chronic diarrhea, occurs anywhere from ten to twenty times a day. Since prison cells are so small, it’s difficult to avoid looking in the direction of a man sitting just a couple of feet away from you while he’s taking a violent, explosive crap. But since it happens so often, I am confident Mr. Snipes will reconcile himself to his new environment. And like I said, he’s got access to all the Glade freshener he can spray.”
“It took me several months to adjust to the Bug Man,“ Corrections Officer Cecil Jasper confessed. “He sleeps during the daytime and at night he sits in front of the cell bars and stares up at the light bulb in the corridor. All night long he just looks at that light. When he does finally sleep, he sleeps under his bunk.”
“He’s also a compulsive masturbater, which isn’t uncommon in a correctional facility. But when the Bug Man is, uh, you know….finishing, he releases a deep, guttural scream. It’s extremely loud and it echoes throughout the facility and scares some of the other prisoners.” Officer Cecil wiped his brow. “I would find it very difficult sharing a cell with him, but that’s just me. I’m sure Mr. Snipes will be just fine.”
With just under eleven hundred days before his release, Wesley Snipes has a whole bunch of time to learn to tolerate his new roommate.