WASHINGTON – The White House announced this morning that pop star Beyonce accepted an invitation to perform at the State of the Union address on Tuesday. According to a post on President Obama’s Facebook page, when the president reaches the speaker’s rostrum in the house chamber to deliver his speech, Beyonce will descend from the rafters of the capital building on a special wire harness. After landing, the ubiquitous pop star will perform “God Bless America” with a special appearance by rapper Pitbull. When the president concludes his address, Beyonce will return to sing “Wind Beneath My Wings” (Did you ever know that you’re my hero) when members of congress jockey to shake hands with the president as he’s escorted out of the House chamber.
At today’s White House press briefing, Jay Carney said Beyonce’s inclusion at the ceremony was a last minute idea by President Obama and Secretary of State, John Kerry.
“The President and Secretary Kerry met for an informal dinner last night and after consuming several bottles of wine, spent the wee hours of the evening texting Beyonce,” Carney said. “This morning, after the president was informed he’d invited the entertainer to sing at the State of the Union address, he instructed his staff to make any necessary changes to fit her performance into the ceremony schedule.”
After delivering a talk on the advantages of shotgun ownership at a D.C. area nursing home, Vice President Biden was asked by reporters if he approved of having Beyonce perform at the State of the Union address.
“Oh, of course I approve. That Beyonce is such a sweet gal. And she can really shake her tail feather, can’t she? She’s gonna add some spice to a ceremony that most Americans never bother to watch. Her appearance will be an incentive for our young people to tune in and discover the excitement of the political arena. For many youngsters it could very well be their first State of the Union experience. Imagine how exciting it will be for them to see all of their elected representatives together in one big room.”
Former Congressman Ron Paul was asked about Beyonce and Pitbull performing at the State of the Union address during an interview on a Texas radio station.
“Ah heck, if nothing else it will liven up what has become a tedious and predictable snore fest where blow-hard presidents promise the impossible and robotic members of a do-nothing congress mechanically and repeatedly stand and sit like human whack-a-moles. I seriously doubt if a rap song by a grown man called Pitbull could make it any worse.”
In the middle of Beyonce’s rendition of “God Bless America,” rapper Pitbull will take the stage to add some of his unique talent to the performance. He will rap an original piece based loosely on the patriotic song, “My Country ‘Tis of Thee.” This morning Pitbull posted on his Facebook page the lyrics he stayed up all night to write for his State of the Union performance:
‘Tis My Country, Bitch
(Lyrics by Pitbull)
My country ’tis of thee, smell like the fries at Micky D’s
Of me I sing, I be representin’ for fine ladies to see
Land where my father died from a cap in the head
Land of pilgrims, phat rims and gay bitch pride
Throw a body off a mountain side
Ring that freedom bell like a Ho
America is my bitch
I’m ready to cock, aim and bang that bitch
Ain’t no snitch, dog
Gotta scratch that itch
Gotta scratch it hard, know what I’m sayin’ ?