BEVERLY HILLS – In an effort to raise money for future legal fees, Charlie Sheen’s production company Crash and Burn Productions, along with investors Bruce Jenner, Hulk Hogan and Brett Michaels, is sponsoring a nation wide contest in which some lucky girl can win an all expense paid weekend date with Charlie Sheen, former star of the CBS hit sitcom ‘Two and a Half Men.’
National radio commercials have already begun touting the competition as the opportunity of a lifetime for young women around the country. A chance to experience forty-eight “fun filled hours” with one of today’s notoriously self-destructive celebrities who could, at any moment, die from a lethal ingestion of drugs and alcohol or even end up mangled in a burning Mercedes at the bottom of a Hollywood canyon.
Charlie’s publicist explained the premise to the Daily Rash.
“We feel that with the winner’s expectation of a catastrophic occurrence with Charlie, whether through massive amounts of cocaine use in public bathrooms, an alcohol fueled cataclysm or the very real prospect of being savagely beaten by the misunderstood television personality, will add loads of excitement that go far beyond what most gals might experience on a normal date. Of course the icing on the proverbial cake is the very real possibility that the lucky winner could potentially be the last person on Earth to see Charlie Sheen alive.”
E! television is set to televise the contest. Although details have yet to be worked out, industry insiders are predicting that Win a Dream Date with Charlie Sheen! has the makings of a mega hit with its realistic “life and death” backdrop.
A veteran television producer spoke with the Daily Rash.
“Think of how exciting it will be for a young woman to have the opportunity to be involved in a gang-bang with porn stars and dangerous drug dealers right along with her favorite celebrity, Charlie Sheen.”
The producer was noticeably excited.
“What a wonderful opportunity for a young girl to pleasure an inebriated celebrity in the toilet of a prestigious Hollywood restaurant as he barks racial epithets at the top of his lungs. It’s a modern day Cinderella story. With the added prospect that she could very well be with Charlie Sheen when he takes that final snort or mows down several school children with his expensive sports car, the lucky girl will be the envy of millions of star-struck women around the country. And the fun doesn’t stop there. If Charlie happens to expire during their time together she’ll no doubt be invited to attend the star studded funeral. Imagine the celebrities she’ll have the chance to rub shoulders with at an event like that. Plus, the funeral services would no doubt be televised, so she’ll get to be on TV yet again.”
Mary Montclaire, from Akron, Ohio: “All I can say is, if given the opportunity to be the last person to see Mr. Sheen alive would be an honor and a privilege.”
Kourtney Klangston, from Boise, Idaho: “I just want to go on record and say that if charlie got too wasted and then tried to give me twelve thousand dollars because he thought I was a prostitute that I wouldn’t take it. I just want that on the record.”
Kimberly Hunt, from Nitro, West Virginia: “If Charlie beats me up it would be OK because I would settle out of court immediately so Charlie would not have to be harassed by paparazzi and people like Geraldo Rivera!”
Cherise Boughmont, from Gary, Indiana: “I used to have a cocaine habit that was so bad that I sold my baby to buy more. If I’m picked for the Charlie Sheen dream date weekend I have no intention of snorting any of his cocaine or having sex with dozens of strange men either.”
Debbie Ouellette, from Boston, Massachusetts: “I want to meet his hairpiece. I wanna see for myself if that thing can really talk.”