UZBEKISTAN – A shocked group of citizens in the city of Tashkent told police they watched Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt throw several of their children off a popular pedestrian bridge last Friday afternoon. Witnesses said the famous American film stars had seven children with them as they crossed over a scenic bridge in Tashkent, but threw three of the children over the bridge before continuing their excursion. Moments later the couple were seen buying ice cream for the remaining kids before hailing a taxi to the airport. By the time police arrived citizens had jumped into icy waters and saved the three discarded children. The famous Americans had already departed on a flight to Bangladesh when police arrived at the airport.
A man who saw the entire incident unfold said that one child was dangling over the side of the bridge clutching onto Brad Pitt’s long beard.
“The child was grasping onto the man’s beard, screaming and flailing about, hanging on for dear life before the woman bit down on his little hands, forcing him to let go and tumble into the raging icy waters below. I’ve never seen anything so startling before in my life. When the child fell into the icy waters the family applauded like they were at the circus or something.”
Jolie and Pitt have been hounded by rumors over the years regarding their over zealous adoption of children from third world countries. Estimates of the number of children living with the couple range from thirteen to forty-seven. Last month a report in the Des Moines Register claimed Jolie and Pitt aren’t actually adopting children, but purchasing them, sometimes even stealing kids from various locations around the world.
“I saw them steal a Chinese baby from the waiting area of the airport while the parents were sleeping,” admitted a housekeeper at the Beijing International Airport. “When the famous woman saw me she put a $5 bill into my hand, winked at me and then she and the man scurried away with the baby.”
“That’s why they go to all those poor countries,” remarked a man who did landscaping work for the couple in New Orleans. “Once, they purchased a boy in the Philippines for six potatoes! Another time in Calcutta they gave a woman a tube of lipstick and a blow dryer to purchase her three year old daughter. It wasn’t until the woman got home that she found the blow dryer’s cord had been severed.”
Nigel Rockingham is a reporter based in London. He contends that Angelina Jolie loses interest in kids when they get to be around eight years old. “She doesn’t like it when they begin thinking on their own. That’s usually when she’ll throw them off a bridge or leave them sitting on a chair in a bowling alley. One time she threw a child out of a moving car in Bolivia. Luckily the kid landed in a garbage bin and it padded his fall.”
For years Hollywood insiders have hinted that Brad Pitt was overwhelmed when Jolie began collecting children. But friends and colleagues say Jolie knows how to get what she wants. One insider claims that Pitt is acutely aware of his limitations as an actor and Angelina preys on his vulnerability whenever she wants things her way, going so far as to tell him that Keanu Reeves is a better actor than he is.
“That would be a devastating blow to any actor, even one with minimal talent like Brad Pitt,” confided an industry insider.
Authorities from the Democratic Republic of Congo told The Daily Rash that records show Jolie and Pitt arriving in the country with four children, but when they boarded their departure flight at the M’Banza Airport, they had nine. And Olivia Gert, a translator working for the United Nations, spotted the famous couple when traveling last year.
“During a layover at the Istanbul airport last October, I witnessed Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt leave a child on the baggage claim. The poor child rotated for almost thirty minutes before airport security arrived. By that time the couple had already boarded their flight bound for Somalia.”
The couple’s publicist told People magazine that the charges are unwarranted, unsubstantiated and untrue.
“My clients have nothing but love for all their children. They’ve been collecting children from around the world for years and they would never throw one of them away. I know for a fact that Angelina wants to own hundreds of kids and Brad is more than eager to participate in anything she wants. He just loves traveling to exotic countries, growing his facial hair in unique patterns and purchasing ice cream.”