World Celebrates Alec Baldwin’s Return to Twitter

When Alec Baldwin abandoned Twitter I think I was in a state of shock. I don’t even remember the first couple of weeks after it happened. You know what they say, denial ain’t no river in Egypt. But today when I heard he was back I cried happy tears. – Brittany Russell, Seattle, WA

NEW YORK – Hollywood superstar Alec Baldwin reactivated his Twitter account Wednesday after being away for over a month, sparking a celebratory wave of relief around the world.

                                    “Back on Twitter” 

With a simple three word “tweet” Baldwin soothed the deep psychological aches and pains suffered by millions after his abrupt departure last month. Around the globe fans breathed a collective sigh of relief with many experiencing euphoric, life changing reactions.

A woman in Paris said the news excited her so much that she had sex with several strangers. A man in Vermont said the news induced him to release a young boy he’d held captive in his basement for several months. A man in Australia said news of Alec Baldwin tweeting again gave him the strength to give up his lifelong addiction to eating dirt and a woman in Miami, after weeks of suffering from painful constipation, moved her bowels.

Alec Baldwin stopped tweeting the evening he was kicked off an American Airlines flight for using his cellphone after flight attendants asked him several times to turn it off. Passengers said Baldwin became so angry that he got out of his seat, threw papers on the floor, stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door. He beat on the bathroom walls and sobbed hysterically before returning to his seat. American Airlines claims Baldwin slammed the lavatory door so hard that the cockpit crew heard it and became alarmed, even with the cockpit door closed. After the plane returned to the gate Baldwin was removed by security.

As he waited in the airport for another flight Baldwin tweeted angry comments about the airline and flight attendants while secretly urinating on the carpet. It was just hours later when, to the dismay and consternation of millions around the globe, Alec Baldwin deactivated his Twitter account.

During his thirty days away from tweeting Baldwin became estranged from several family members, verbally assaulted a symphony violinist and supported political causes. Once, during a break in taping his hit TV show ’30 Rock’ for the National Broadcasting Corporation, Baldwin traveled across town to put the finishing touches on a Capital One bank commercial before visiting the Occupy Wall Street demonstration where he praised protesters for their fight against corporate greed.

Many of Baldwin’s tweets are to his new 27 year-old yoga instructor girlfriend, Hilaria. Last month he spoke of her to the Daily Ledger.

“Hilaria really couldn’t give a damn about the movie business or the television business,” he told the reporter. ” I don’t think this is a woman who has ever watched television. I don’t think she’s even seen 30 Rock. Ever. I love that about her.”

A source close to Baldwin told the Daily Rash that Hilaria isn’t interested in anything about Baldwin.

“She’s never watched his TV show or seen any of his movies. She doesn’t even ask what he does for a living. That is so refreshing for Alec because he hates being the center of attention. Sometimes Hilaria even forgets his name. Alec Baldwin is an extremely private man who dreams of retiring to a small town and living in compete anonymity. Being involved with a beautiful young woman who has no interest in him is a blessing to Alec.”

With Alec Baldwin’s hourly tweets and my medication, I’m able to refrain from inhumanely beating my small children. – Pam Carson, Carrboro, NC

With his return to Twitter, the 53 year-old Baldwin can resume the captivating hourly messages that allow the masses a glimpse into his intellectual prowess – free of charge. Whether bemoaning the inept service of a Starbucks employee, suggesting that a confrontational tweeter choke on a pretzel, or ordering his Twitter followers to gang up on people he doesn’t like, Baldwin’s sagacious commentary never fails to illuminate. He even lectures on intellectual cultivation in 140 characters or less. From advice to read a newspaper everyday to sharing links to symphony music on YouTube, Alec Baldwin’s insatiable hunger to share his wisdom won’t be fettered by occasional spine-chilling, explosive fits of maniacal self-absorption.


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