MATEHUALA, MEXICO – Yoko Ono, widow of Beatle John Lennon, has officially taken possession of boxing champion Evander Holyfield. As villagers and guests looked on, Ono’s bid for Holyfield was ceremonially accepted and then approved. As the crowd applauded, Ono signed the papers that guarantee her ownership of the beleaguered and cash strapped ex-heavyweight champion of the world.
“I’ve always wanted to own a black American,” gushed Ms. Ono, as she shook hands and received well wishes from the small gathering outside St. Monty’s Sacred Virginal Cathedral. The well wishers followed Ono into the church where she received the title to Evander Holyfield and then dined on caviar and champagne. Mr. Holyfield looked quite presentable in the new outfit that Yoko had given him. With a smile he greeted guests and served them champagne.
“This is such a day of relief, I cannot tell you,” Holyfield gushed as he refilled his tray with champagne glasses. “Finally, I’ll get me a good night’s sleep!” He cautiously squeezed one more champagne glass onto his tray and shrugged. “Living in the Dakota ain’t gonna be too hard, now is it?” he winked and laughed loudly before scurrying back to the reception with his beverage tray.
Last year Holyfield began having lifestyle threatening financial problems. His 109 room, 17 bathroom, 3 kitchen house was being taken away from him and the mother of one of his estimated eleven children was suing for back child support. In just one month last year his electric bill was a staggering $17,000, close to half of what Al Gore pays. To make matters worse, Fayette County, where Holyfield has been living for several years on Evander Holyfield Highway was threatening to change the highway name to Mike Tyson Turnpike. Holyfield finally met with financial advisers to find a way to curb the impending disaster he was heading for.
Yoko Ono said that it was while a servant was reading her the Daily Rash that she found out Holyfield had offered himself for sale to the highest bidder.
“I almost fell out of my rickshaw!” Yoko chuckled as she signed bank withdraw slips.
Ono, who is estimated to be worth several hundred million dollars, immediately contacted her lawyers and ordered them to make whatever offer they needed to cement the ownership of Holyfield. In an exclusive interview from her Dakota apartment, Yoko defended her purchase.
“I haven’t owned anybody since John, and that’s been over thirty years ago.”
Her eyes wandered over to a picture on the mantle of Sean, the son she had with John Lennon. She sighed and smiled coyly.
“OK, but Sean is different. He’s actually my child.”
Lawyers for Ono and Holyfield cautioned against any accusations of slavery or human trafficking.
“Mr. Holyfield will be Ms. Ono’s butler and field hand. This is strictly a business partnership and any resemblance of impropriety is not, we repeat, not happening. No matter what it may look like. If anyone wants to call Mr. Holyfield a slave, then in actuality he would also have to be called a slave trader since he auctioned off himself.”
The lawyer closed his brief case, sighed and then ducked into a waiting car.
Although the details of the purchase have not been released, sources close to Holyfield say that he will retain his house, his child support payments will be paid and his street will continue to be named after him. One source said that Holyfield will regain his freedom in five years. Unconfirmed rumors are circulating that Sean Lennon will be living in Holyfield’s mansion, driving his cars and wearing his clothes.