The DAILY RASH

Hunter Biden Denies Wearing Joe Biden’s Dentures for ABC Interview

WASHINGTON – This afternoon Joe Biden’s son, Hunter Biden, appeared on MSNBC’s PoliticsNation with host Al Sharpton to talk about his dad’s campaign and his own controversial affiliations in Ukraine. Following is a transcript of that interview which will air Sunday morning on MSNBC. AL SHARPTON: Welcome to PoliticsNation, my own show on MSNBC....

Cory Booker Chooses Illegal Immigrant as His Running Mate

NEW YORK – This afternoon democratic presidential candidate, Cory Booker, appeared with Al Sharpton on MSNBC to announce his running mate for the 2020 election. Following is a transcript of that interview which will air tomorrow on Sharpton’s MSNBC show, PoliticsNation. AL SHARPTON: Today I welcome to my own show on MSNBC, Kerry Booker,...

Guantanamo Detainees Form Barbershop Quartet

GUANTANAMO – After living 15 years in an outdoor cage at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp, Ahmad Muhammad al-Shekau told prison counselors that the enthusiasm he once felt for inhumane atrocities had waned and that blood soaked carnage isn’t really much of a turn on anymore. He said boredom has had a profound effect...

Ocasio-Cortez Compares Waiting in Line at Burger King to Auschwitz

WASHINGTON – After creating controversy last week when she compared U.S. border facilities to concentration camps, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.) – a.k.a. “AOC” – is stirring the pot again with her reference to Auschwitz in a video posted on Instagram. After what was apparently a long, tiring day, AOC recorded herself sitting on the...

Biden: I Will Cure Erectile Dysfunction Because Every Man Deserves a Boner

Several days after promising to cure cancer if he’s elected president, former Vice President Joe Biden admitted to MSNBC’s Chris Matthews he may have spoken too soon. Following is a transcript of their conversation that will air on MSNBC’s Hardball tomorrow at 7:00 pm. CHRIS MATTHEWS: Welcome, Mr. Vice President. It’s an honor to...

Beto O’Rourke Confesses on MSNBC: ‘I Hate Myself Very Much’

This afternoon democratic presidential candidate, Beto O’Rourke, caused a bit of a stir during his appearance on MSNBC with host, Al Sharpton. Following is a transcript of the interview that will air Sunday on Sharpton’s show, PoliticsNation, on MSNBC. AL SHARPTON: Welcome to PoliticsNation with your host, Reverend Al Sharpton. I’m Al Sharpton and...

Caucasian Family’s 11-Year-Old Daughter Identifies as a Black Man

MALIBU – When Absinthe Carson drove her six and eight-year-old daughters to Alyssa Milano Elementary School this morning, her 11-year-old son, LeShawn X, was on a bus headed across town to Hollow Point Middle School in Compton. Instead of attending his last year at Milano, LaShawn enrolled in a school he felt would better...

Jennifer Rubin Says Her Gums are Rotting Because of Donald Trump

Washington Post Columnist Jennifer Rubin Says Her Gums Are Rotting Because of Donald Trump.

Prison Executioner Grateful for Job Security

JACKSON, GEORGIA – As family, friends and death penalty protesters mourned the execution of a convicted murderer at a correctional facility 50 miles outside Atlanta, prison executioner Rob Sterling was on a plane back to his home in southern California sipping a beer and reading Here’s the Story, a tell-all book by Maureen “Marcia...

Moss Man Claims Charlie Sheen’s Hairpiece Drove Him Insane

HILLSBORO, OREGON – Gregory “Moss Man” Liascos was arraigned at Hillsboro County courthouse this morning on charges of burglary and criminal mischief. The charges stem from his pre-dawn arrest in a wooded area outside the Rice Northwest Museum of Rocks and Minerals where police discovered Mr. Liascos disguised as a large lump of moss....

Macy’s Fires Another Santa for Drinking on the Job

NEW YORK – Macy’s department store has fired yet another Santa Claus employee for being drunk at their Herald Square location in Manhattan, their fifth Santa termination since November 25th. A spokesperson for Macy’s said two other Santas have been suspended without pay for three days and another was issued a verbal warning, all...

The Ballad of Tom Arnold

Crocs – Shoes for People Who’ve Given Up

"I was astonished by the staggering number of Crocs wearers who suffer from depression, anxiety, lack of ambition and an overall feeling of worthlessness."

Al Qaeda Magazine Publishes its First Swimsuit Issue

YEMEN – In an apparent attempt to escalate worldwide interest in the holy war against infidels, Inspire, al Qaeda’s Internet propaganda magazine, published its first swimsuit issue this week. In a teleconference call from an unknown location in Yemen, a spokesperson for the magazine, someone who called himself Larry, told reporters that Inspire’s swimsuit...

Joe Biden Admits Taking Viagra Before Attending State of the Union Address

WASHINGTON – Former Speaker of the House, John Boehner, revealed that during the 2014 State of the Union address Vice President Biden admitted that he’d accidentally taken Viagra pills before arriving for the event. This morning, after giving a talk on shotgun ownership to seniors at a Bethesda nursing home, the former vice president...

Al Gore: ‘Global Warming Will Cause Millions of People’s Heads to Explode’

NEW YORK –  Former Vice President Al Gore issued a joint statement with the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) this morning warning that unless drastic measures are taken this year to curb global warming, millions of people’s heads are going to explode. Speaking to U.N. delegates at the One World Economic Forum, Gore...

MSNBC Yanked Disastrous Sharpton Interview with Hillary in 2016

During the 2016 presidential campaign, MSNBC decided against airing Al Sharpton's heated interview with candidate Hillary Clinton.

Hugo Chávez Diaries Reveal Decades Long Infatuation with Joyce Dewitt

CARACAS – Excerpts from recently discovered diaries of the former president of Venezuela, Hugo Chávez, were released to the public yesterday by the Venezuelan Museum of Anti-Imperialism. The diaries were discovered in 2017 in the basement of a house in Cuba owned by Chávez, Michael Moore and Sean Penn. The discovery reveals the painful 20...

Man Tells Judge “Elvis is Gay, Not Me”

RENO – At his divorce hearing today at the Washoe County Courthouse, Randall Lewinski told a judge that he was a heterosexual man who participated in homosexual activities, but only when he was impersonating Elvis Presley. He informed the court that it was only when he was Elvis that he was attracted to other...

Study Finds Use of Gang Signs by Middle Class Whites on the Rise

PRINCETON, NEW JERSEY – A recent study by the Department of Sociology at Princeton found that up to 78% of middle class white adults flash or “throw” gang signs when they are being photographed. The three year study also reveals that 99.9% of those throwing the gang signs have never been in a gang,...

Al Gore Trapped in Blizzard En Route to Climate Fundraiser in Chicago

CHICAGO – Former vice president and current global warming superstar, Albert Arnold Gore Jr., was trapped in his limousine on Chicago’s Lake Shore Drive last night for thirty minutes after the limo slid into a twelve foot snowbank. Although Mr. Gore did not receive any physical injuries, his driver said that Mr. Gore may...

Second Shift Factory Supervisor Contemplates Transferring to First Shift

NEEDLES, CA – The announcement that a supervisor at a southern California glass eye factory is contemplating transferring from the second shift to the first shift has filled many of the company’s employees with trepidation. Shift Supervisor Willimet Kendrix confided to friends that she is indeed deliberating a transfer to the first shift. Willimet’s...

Compton’s Drive-Thru Funeral Home a Source of Community Pride

When it comes to viewing the bodies of the dearly departed, few American cities hold a candle to the convenience and ease offered by Compton's drive-thru mortuary.

David Caruso Explains Sideways Stance: “I Always Face Mecca”

LOS ANGELES – Last week when David Caruso appeared on The Tyra Banks Show, Tyra asked him at the end of their short interview, “David, how come you keep facing away from me?” Caruso stood up, put on his sunglasses and said, “Because, Tyra … I always face Mecca.” Caruso then walked off stage...

Al Sharpton: America’s First Illiterate News Anchor

NEW YORK – In 2011, in a move to build a reputation for diversity and equality, MSNBC placed civil rights activist and opportunist Al Sharpton at the helm of his own news show. In a surprising moment of candor last week, MSNBC president Phil Griffin confirmed that Mr. Sharpton, host of the MSNBC Sunday...

Jimmy Carter Declares ‘I Can Bench Press 350 pounds!’

NEW YORK – Determined to sculpt an image of himself that contradicts historical record, former President Jimmy Carter is on a promotional tour for the release of his new book “Faith: A Journey for All.” Along with defending what he once described as a “superior” role as a former president, Mr. Carter is attempting to...

Dan Rather Found Wandering the Desert in a Blanket

MOUNT NEBO, JORDAN – Jordanian officials say they discovered disgraced American newsman Dan Rather wandering aimlessly in the desert wearing nothing but a blanket, purple Crocs and a Fez hat. Officials said when they approached Rather that he saluted and then apologized for not wearing a cowboy hat. “He touched his head and then...

Man Kills Facebook Friend Over Mundane, Day in the Life Comments

SEATTLE – Talbert Wilcox pleaded not guilty in a Seattle Municipal Court yesterday to charges that he killed his childhood friend, Marshall Dimmrod. Mr. Wilcox told the court that although he did kill Marshall Dimmrod, it was because Dimmrod drove him insane with “incessant, mundane, day-in-the-life Facebook comments.” Wilcox’s defense counsel told the court...

Barney Frank In Salary Negotiations For Elmer Fudd Role

NEW YORK – DreamWorks Studios announced today that they are in the final stages of salary negotiations with former Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank for their new Looney Tunes Bugs Bunny movie. Frank is slated to play Elmer Fudd in the two-hundred million dollar, three hour movie. The congressman expressed interest in the role when...

Osama bin Laden Dreamed of Owning Dairy Queen Franchise

ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN – After innumerable years of killing innocent people, dwelling in caves, riding camels in the dead of night and eating more than his fair share of leftovers, sources close to Osama bin Laden say he was just weeks away from turning over a new leaf before U.S. Navy Seals blew his face...

Naomi Campbell Beats Herself Unconscious at New York Airport

NEW YORK – Naomi Campbell was arrested at JFK International Airport Thursday night by Port Authority Police and transported to an undisclosed medical facility where she was handcuffed to her hospital bed. Miss Campbell is being charged with aggravated assault, verbal intimidation and disorderly conduct. Criminal defense attorney Nigel Nottingham reassured Miss Campbell’s fans...

7-Eleven Offers Prostate Exam with Slurpee and Chili Dog Purchase

DALLAS – Top executives at 7-Eleven announced today that the company plans to implement prostate examinations into its ever growing menu of services. Speaking to a large group of 7-Eleven employees, senior director of sales Portnoy Clam expressed his excitement about adding prostate exams in five million 7-Eleven stores by August. The response from...

Louis Farrakhan Claims His UFO Abductors Were Jewish

CHICAGO – During his speech reprimanding “white Christians who prayed for President Barack Obama to die,” Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan also said he’d been abducted by a spaceship.

Michael Moore “Pretty Sure” He Experienced Erection During TSA Pat-Down

NEW YORK – Not everyone is complaining about the Transportation Security Administration’s (TSA) “pat-down” procedures. During a time in which thousands of Americans share their dissatisfaction with being groped and prodded, fondled and squeezed at airports, filmmaker Michael Moore is calling for Americans to “lighten up” and “enjoy” what he called “a necessary precaution...

Excessive Fecal Weight Almost Destroyed Our Marriage

NEEDLES, CALIFORNIA – Until recently, excessive fecal weight had rarely been considered a culprit in the breakdown of a marriage. The idea that they might be hauling around an exorbitant wealth of fecal excess didn’t concern most people. Most Americans were oblivious to the undermining effect a bounty of inner sludge might be having...

NFL Adds Joe Scarborough Band to Super Bowl Halftime Lineup

This morning the NFL announced that in addition to Justin Timberlake the Joe Scarborough Band will perform at the 2018 Super Bowl halftime show.

Chelsea Clinton Denies Hillary Wants Another Baby

When former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton visited NBC studios to promote her new children's book, Al Sharpton asked about her mother's wish to have more children.

School Principal’s Head Mysteriously Tattooed During Drunken Blackout

The last thing I remember is standing in my socks on the soggy bank of a lake arguing with a disgruntled midget. – School Principal Bertrand Calhoun Luedecking Jr. FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA – An elementary school principal is causing quite a stir in this southern California city after showing up to work last week...

Hillary Clinton Says Nazi Salute at Book Signing Was Just a Silly Joke

MARTHA’S VINEYARD – At a crowded book signing yesterday former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was photographed doing a Nazi salute as she and several women around her laugh. When Mrs. Clinton was asked about the photograph after it went viral she laughed and said her Nazi salute was “just a silly joke.” This morning...

Chelsea Clinton to Receive Emmy Award for Lifetime Achievement

The Television Academy announces it will present Chelsea Clinton with an honorary lifetime achievement award at the 67th Prime Time Emmys.

George Will Questioned by Police After Loitering Outside Indiana Dairy Queen

LOGANSPORT, INDIANA - Conservative columnist and former Republican, George Will, was questioned by police yesterday after they received complaints he was loitering outside a local Dairy Queen in this north central Indiana city.

I’m Thirteen and I Have Gonorrhea Debuts on MTV

NEW YORK – The much anticipated debut of MTV’s I’m Thirteen and I Have Gonorrhea is scheduled to air this Fall on Sunday Nights. After the heralded success of 16 and Pregnant, MTV hopes to capitalize on what it considers the fastest growing demographic in America – dysfunctional families eager to air their horrors...

FBI Says Ron Paul Handed Out LSD to Occupy Wall Street Protesters

WASHINGTON – According to a report released by the FBI this afternoon, during his presidential campaign run in 2011, former Texas Congressman Ron Paul visited the Occupy Wall Street protests in lower Manhattan where it’s alleged he handed out LSD tabs to protesters. A former spokesperson for the Ron Paul for President committee fervently...

Gary Busey Wants to Discipline Your Children

MALIBU, CALIFORNIA – For the rest of his life actor Gary Busey says he wants to discipline children. Last year the Associated Press reported that for several months Busey experienced an uneasy feeling growing inside him. The actor told a reporter he became aware of dramatic changes in himself as the uneasy feeling intensified....

The Ballad of Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton and her supporters were sure they would win 2016 presidential election ... but then something went wrong.

Alec Baldwin Shocks Dinner Guests, Calls New Baby ‘Dirty Little Whore’

NEW YORK – An intimate dinner party held at Alec Baldwin’s Manhattan home last night ended prematurely after Baldwin’s newborn baby daughter threw-up on his shirt. According to guests who attended the dinner, Baldwin’s alarming reaction towards his baby made them so uncomfortable they were forced to make a hasty departure before dinner was...

Hillary Clinton Performs Hilarious Stroke Victim Impersonation at U.N.

NEW YORK – In a rare display of lighthearted spontaneity at a United Nation’s Women’s Rights conference last week, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton followed her impassioned speech with a comical “stroke victim” impersonation that triggered a raucous response from delegates and conference guests. Howling laughter permeated the General Assembly Hall during Mrs....

Obama Chastises First Lady Over Unsightly Panty Lines

WASHINGTON – In a rare display of harsh criticism, President Obama lambasted First Lady Michelle Obama as she and the presidential children were preparing to board Air Force One. When the President first arrived on the tarmac he was all smiles as he waved to press members and staff that had gathered to see...

NY Times Calls Obama Bicycle Photos ‘Rugged Masculinity Gone Wild!’

NEW YORK – In an editorial earlier this week the New York Times gushed over photographs of President Obama riding his bicycle at Martha’s Vineyard, at one point exclaiming the president was an example of “rugged masculinity gone wild!” The newspaper derided critics of the president, even suggesting that John Boehner or Karl Rove...

Obama Welcomes America’s First Transgender Baby to White House

WASHINGTON – This afternoon top administration officials and celebrities joined President and Mrs. Obama in welcoming America’s first transgender baby to the White House. Eleven-month-old Hillary Rodham Carter is the youngest transgender to meet officially with a U.S. president. The president hosted a gender-neutral luncheon for the adorable transgender tot and its parents with...

Hillary Fundraiser to Auction the Cigar Bill Clinton Used on Monica Lewinsky

WASHINGTON – Hillary Clinton’s top aide Huma Abedin confirmed this morning that former President Bill Clinton will auction off the cigar that he used on Monica Lewinsky in the Oval Office in 1996. The auction will be held this Saturday at the Malibu home of Barbra Streisand who is hosting a fundraiser for Hillary...

O. J. Simpson Endorses Hillary Clinton

LOVELOCK, NEVADA – This morning Al Sharpton interviewed O. J. Simpson at the Lovelock prison in Nevada where Simpson is serving up to 33 years for robbing a man in a Las Vegas hotel. Following is the transcript of the interview that will air Sunday morning on MSNBC’s PoliticsNation. AL SHARPTON: Thank you for...

Megyn Kelly Assaults Michelle Fields on Fox News

Michelle Fields, the woman who accused Donald Trump’s campaign manager of assaulting her, appeared on the Fox News channel today with host Megyn Kelly where she revealed for the first time the gruesome severity of her injuries. Following is a transcript of that interview which airs tonight on The Kelly File at 10:00 pm...

Hillary Clinton Says Chelsea Erased Servers During Postpartum Depression

This afternoon Democratic presidential frontrunner, Hillary Clinton, appeared on MSNBC’s Hardball with host Chris Matthews to discuss the missing emails from her time as Secretary of State. Following is a transcript of that interview which airs at 6 pm tonight on MSNBC. CHRIS MATTHEWS: Thank you for joining us today Madam Secretary. I also...

WASHINGTON  – After speaking to a group of seniors about shotgun ownership and voting...

CEDAR RAPIDS – After enjoying a slice of mincemeat pie and coffee with local...

LOS ANGELES – Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton received a rousing reception from pro-immigration...

LAS VEGAS – This morning Nevada Senator Harry Reid told a group of senior...

BEAVERTON, OREGON – Rod Sterling has been the assistant manager of Beaverton’s Chuck E....

This afternoon Brian Williams sat down with Rev. Al Sharpton for his first interview...

LOS ANGELES – International rock star and celebrity Gordon Sumner, better known around the...

WASHINGTON – Early this morning North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un took to his Twitter...

LAS VEGAS – This weekend First Lady Michelle Obama spoke at a gathering of...

MSNBC anchor Chris Matthews began his show Hardball last night celebrating the birthday of...

Vice President Joe Biden visited with Al Sharpton this morning on MSNBC where he...

INGLEWOOD – Police discovered a gruesome multiple homicide in the home of a Los...

Just a day after returning from exhaustive diplomatic talks around the globe, John Kerry...

McALLEN, Texas - In a surprising turn of events this morning American soldiers began...

At the start of his show Hardball on MSNBC this afternoon, host Chris Matthews...

This afternoon former Vice President Dick Cheney sat down with Al Sharpton for an...

WASHINGTON – During his final press briefing from behind the White House podium Wednesday,...

LOS ANGELES – Upon arriving to the signing event for her new book “Hard...

WASHINGTON – While speaking to seniors about shotgun ownership at the Eternal Cul-de-Sac retirement...

WASHINGTON – The fun and frolic of the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt...

In March of 2014 Russian President Vladimir Putin appeared on MSNBC with Reverend Al...

In the final moments of taping his show on MSNBC today, Chris Matthews invited...

TRENTON – This afternoon staff members loyal to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie alleged...

WASHINGTON – During this morning’s White House briefing Jay Carney confirmed President Obama will...

KAILUA, Hawaii – The White House was so impressed with Michelle Obama’s guest spot...

WASHINGTON – This morning former staffers of the Obama White House acknowledged that President...

WASHINGTON – During Vice President Joe Biden’s 2013 town hall forum with D.C. senior...

NEW YORK – Reverend Al Sharpton’s new book, “The Rejected Stone: Al Sharpton and...

WASHINGTON – To the dismay of democrats and republicans alike, a CNN cameraman with...

WASHINGTON – During his interview with Chris Matthews on MSNBC’s Hardball, Vice President Biden...

WASHINGTON – The White House confirmed today that President Obama has reached out to...

FERGUSON, MISSOURI – Attorney General Eric Holder made a surprise appearance Friday at a...

“It’s just a wonderful feeling knowing my government cares enough about our children to...

WASHINGTON – The turmoil that was generated between Russia and the United States after...

In a bewildering turn of events that has rocked the world of cable news,...

WASHINGTON – Just hours after his campaign manager resigned Monday afternoon, New York City...

NEW YORK – During his appearance on ‘The View’ this morning, President Obama joked...

WASHINGTON – Before embarking on his trip to Africa on Wednesday, President Obama stopped...

ORLANDO, FLORIDA – A Disney World spokesperson announced this afternoon that actor John Travolta...

WASHINGTON – Midway through the second day of Supreme Court arguments on same sex...

VATICAN CITY – In a somewhat startling turn of events today, Reverend Al Sharpton...

NASHVILLE – Former Vice President Al Gore lashed out at the Vatican this morning,...

WASHINGTON – The White House announced this morning that because of the automatic spending...

WASHINGTON – While participating in an online forum on Facebook this week, Vice President...

WASHINGTON – The White House announced this morning that pop star Beyonce accepted an...

MINNEAPOLIS – The White House was still responding to questions yesterday morning about the...

WASHINGTON – At last night’s White House State Dinner honoring former D.C. Mayor Marion...

WASHINGTON – For the first time in the history of American presidential inaugurations, cheerleaders...

NEW YORK – In her first interview since stepping down as Secretary of State,...

NEW YORK – NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that all NFL players will...

WASHINGTON – Chloe Sanders, a twenty year-old undecided voter from Baltimore, was visiting the...

WASHINGTON – Following Tuesday night’s debate between President Obama and Mitt Romney, Vice President...

WASHINGTON – A high level source inside the White House alleges that last weekend...

WASHINGTON – In an effort to raise additional campaign cash the Obama administration has...

NEW YORK – This afternoon on MSNBC’s Hardball with Chris Matthews, host Chris Matthews...

ST. LOUIS – In an effort to gain support from Missouri voters who might...

DEARBORN, MI – After being under under the radar for the past several weeks,...

WASHINGTON – With the demonstrations and subsequent military coup in Egypt drawing the bulk...

NEW YORK – With just days to go before the 2012 presidential election, Mitt...

WASHINGTON – House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi came to the defense of Senator Harry...

WASHINGTON – In an interview with The Huffington Post, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid...

BOSTON – According to members of his staff, when Mayor Thomas Menino was told...

BALTIMORE – During a fundraising expedition in Maryland over the weekend, former Vice President...

COLORADO – ABC News announced today that Barbara Walters has landed the first interview...

WASHINGTON – After a week of assertions that Mitt Romney committed a felony with...

HOUSTON – This afternoon, just days after its members booed him as he addressed...

NEW YORK – New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced today that women who...

BEVERLY HILLS – At a fundraising dinner last night in the home of Kim...

WASHINGTON – Last night on PoliticsNation, MSNBC news anchor Reverend Al Sharpton grilled Attorney...

NEW YORK – Internationally famous meteorologist and comedian, Rosie O’Donnell, has determined that global...

NEW YORK – A defiant Cybill Shepherd shocked “CBS This Morning” television viewers Friday...

NEW York – After attending an opera at Lincoln Center last night, President Obama...

SANFORD, FLA – After George Zimmerman was arrested in April of last year for...

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA – One of the two pilots of the Navy F-18 jet...

McLEAN, VIRGINIA – In what appears to be a last ditch effort to resuscitate...