GUANTANAMO – After living 15 years in an outdoor cage at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp, Ahmad Muhammad al-Shekau told prison counselors that the enthusiasm he once felt for inhumane atrocities had waned and that blood soaked carnage isn’t really much of a turn on anymore. He said boredom has had a profound effect on his passion for slaughtering the innocent and he rarely even dreams of butchering infidels.
Years ago Ahmad befriended terrorist Khalid Muhammad al-Haqqanithe when he was placed in the cage next to his. As days and months turned into years, the two of them lost interest in conversations about annihilation, rape and disembowelment. Instead, they found singing songs together a more pleasant way to pass the long hot days and nights.
Then one night, as they sang to each other through the chain link fence that separates them, Ahmad and Khalid were drawn to a lilting voice emanating from a cage on the other side of the compound. The lovely singing was from a terrorist named, Hamza Muhammad al-Shishani. His ability to effortlessly hit high notes made quite an impression on Ahmed and Khalid. The following day, during the weekly prisoner cavity search, they introduced themselves to Hamza and complimented him on his dazzling singing voice. Hamza was flattered, and as he was being prepped for his cavity search began singing a song called “Down by the Old Mill Stream.” When the gruff prison guard angrily penetrated him with his fat, gloved finger, Hamza’s singing jumped two octaves and he finished the song in a piercing falsetto. Afterwards, as they enjoyed the snow cones the guards routinely hand out after cavity searches, Ahmad and Khalid invited Hamza to sing with them.
When prison authorities allowed Hamza to move to a cage closer to Ahmed and Khalid, he began teaching them barbershop quartet songs he’d learned from a troglodyte in Afghanistan. One night as they were rehearsing the song “Wait Til the Sun Shines Nellie” they heard a terrorist several cages down singing the lower harmony along with them. It turned out the jihadist, Malik Muhammad al-Mutairi, had sung the doo-wop bass vocals in a Sha Na Na cover band while attending Islamic University in Lebanon.
The next morning, Ahmed and Hamza, who are both tenors, and Khalid, a baritone, approached Malik after breakfast and suggested the four of them start a barbershop quartet. When Malik eagerly agreed the four terrorists jumped up and down giddily and smiled.
The jihadists decided to call their group, The Four Falafels, and started writing their own songs. After just a few months prison officials began allowing The Four Falafels to perform on Saturday afternoons in the exercise yard where their original songs became a big hit with their terrorist audience. Some of their more popular titles include:
“The Night I Beheaded Betty in Baghdad”
“My Sweetie Embedded an IED in My Heart”
“I Been Workin’ on Blowin’ Up the Railroad”
“Tender Kisses Under a Mushroom Cloud”
“72 Virgins and a Goat Named Bob”
“How Much is That Blowtorch in the Window?”
“My Dead Irish Rose”
The Four Falafels conclude their performances with the playful “Honey, Bring Me My Rocket Launcher” which never fails to bring the audience to its feet clapping and singing while jumping up and down.
Because of the enthusiastic response from their fellow jihadists, The Four Falafels requested permission to attend the International Barbershop Quartet competition in Gary, Indiana in 2020. Much to their dismay, the request was denied by Guantanamo authorities. Their request for four red striped shirts, matching bow ties and straw hats was also denied.
©TheDailyRash 2019
