Washington Post opinion writer and regular MSNBC guest, Jennifer Rubin, was interviewed on MSNBC’s PoliticsNation this afternoon by host Al Sharpton. Following is a transcript of their conversation that will air Sunday at 5:00 p.m. on MSNBC.
AL SHARPTON: I’m Al Sharpton, the host of my own show on MSNBC. Today I welcome to my show, Jenner F. Rubin, Washington Post colonialist and frequent guest on MSNBC where I have my show.
JENNIFER RUBIN: Thank you for having me, Al.
SHARPTON: You may call me reverend.
RUBIN: Of course, Reverend.
SHARPTON: Now Mrs. Jenner, you have some startling news to tell my viewers about hating the president of the United States. What say you?
RUBIN: I just want people to know that being consumed with hate for the president can cause physical damage.
SHARPTON: And not just fiscal damage, but you claim the president gave you gum disease?
RUBIN: It’s not an actual disease, but, my gums are rotting.
SHARPTON: (recoiling) Yikes!
RUBIN: It’s not a pleasant experience.
SHARPTON: I should think not. How did Trump make your gums rot?
RUBIN: Well, I don’t want to give anyone the impression that Trump is personally causing my gums to rot.
SHARPTON: So the president of the United States is not responsible for your gums rotting?
RUBIN: No, I didn’t say that. He is responsible, but not necessarily personally responsible.
SHARPTON: Say what?
RUBIN: It’s Trump’s presence, his actions, his words that have colluded to make me so insane that my own anxiety about him is causing my gums to deteriorate.
SHARPTON: So it’s your hatred that’s causing your gums to detonate?
RUBIN: Technically, yes. But I can’t be held responsible for the hate he’s creating in me, can I?
SHARPTON: Have you tried chewing Dentyne?
RUBIN: My doctors feel the only remedy is for me to start writing my newspaper columns about something more positive.
SHARPTON: So if you just start writing about other things your rotting gums will begin to heal?
RUBIN: That’s what the doctors are hoping.
SHARPTON: Have they done tests?
RUBIN: Yes, I’ve had any number of tests. They all come up empty.
SHARPTON: Do you ever brush your teeth? Sometimes that can …
RUBIN: Yes, I brush my teeth every day.
SHARPTON: Three times a day?
RUBIN: I don’t know how many times a day but I can say several times.
SHARPTON: Do you eat a lot of candy? I had a cousin who ate so much candy that her teeth fell out and now the only way she can eat meatloaf is to put it in a blender and drink it through a straw.
RUBIN: My teeth are fine, it’s my gums that are rotting.
SHARPTON: But how are your teeth going to stay in place if your gums rot?
RUBIN: At some point my gums will lose the strength to hold my teeth in place.
SHARPTON: (recoiling) So it looks like it’s time to start writing happy stories.
RUBIN: I cannot write about anything but Donald Trump. Not a minute goes by that I don’t think about him. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. Donald Trump is in my brain 24 hours a day without letup.
SHARPTON: I don’t get it. If my gums were rotting and all I had to do was stop writing about somebody I hate everyday I’d stop writing about them.
RUBIN: Lord, I wish it were that easy.
SHARPTON: What’s hard about it? Your gums are rotting. Look at yourself in the monitor. You look like a corpse.
RUBIN: (Looks at herself in the monitor and shudders)
SHARPTON: And what’s the story with your eyebrows?
RUBIN: The doctors say my hatred for Trump is also causing my eyebrows to mutate insanely.
SHARPTON: Say what?
RUBIN: They’re getting bigger. The doctors say they will eventually engulf my entire face and neck.
SHARPTON: Maybe it’s time to start plucking them.
RUBIN: Every time I pluck them they instantly grow back bigger.
SHARPTON: That’s some weird shit, girl.
(Sharpton looks startled and covers his mouth)
SHARPTON: Uh … sorry about that. (looks at notes) Mrs. Jenner, you used to be a card carrying neocron and now you’re rooting for democratics. Not only do you write about hating Trump but you’re always here at MSNBC talking about how much you hate him. It’s made you very popular with liberals.
RUBIN: I’ve never been popular before. Cool people like me now.
SHARPTON: You like that, don’t you?
RUBIN: (blushing) Yeah.
SHARPTON: So you’re in a bit of a cumundone. If you don’t stop hating Trump you’re going to end up a werewolf with dentures. But, if you do stop hating Trump your popularity with liberals will disappear. No more TV appearances. No more party invitations. You’ll go back where you were before, a nobody.
RUBIN: Celebrities know who I am, Reverend. Last week Alec Baldwin waved to me in a restaurant when he was beating an old man with a rolled up newspaper.
SHARPTON: Makes you feel good, huh?
RUBIN: (defiantly) Yes, it makes me feel good. My whole life I was just a girl who looked like Eddie Munster. Now popular people invite me to parties and want me to talk about how awful Trump is.
SHARPTON: But is having their attention worth having no teeth and a hairy face?
RUBIN: You don’t understand, people recognize me on the street. They call out my name.
SHARPTON: Do you see the ironing here? On the one hand, you’re turning into the Geico caveman, but on the other hand you’re gnawing on headcheese with Rosie O’Donnell at Hollywood parties. The more you hate Trump the more popular you become, but at the same time you’re beginning to look like one of those guys who raped Ned Beatty in Deliverance. It’s like one of those Hollywood psychotic thrillers.
RUBIN: It’s just not fair.
SHARPTON: Well, as the Bible tells us, all is not fair in Leavenworth.
Suddenly Jennifer Rubin gasps and with a shocked look leans towards the floor. Sharpton bends over and picks something up.
SHARPTON: Is this ….
RUBIN: Oh my god, it’s one of my teeth!
(Al Sharpton shrieks and throws the tooth on the floor, frantically wiping his hands on his tie)
SHARPTON: Gross!
RUBIN: Oh my god! (She gets up and runs out of the studio crying.)
SHARPTON: (Looks into camera and nervously wipes sweat off his face) Man, that was some crazy stuff, huh? OK, well that’s all for today’s show. Tune in next week when my guest will be Chelsea Handler who will explain why she likes it when men urinate on her face.
