NEW YORK – This afternoon former vice president and current democratic presidential candidate, Joe Biden, appeared on PoliticsNation with host, Al Sharpton. Following is a transcript of their conversation which will air Sunday on MSNBC.
AL SHARPTON: Welcome to my own show on MSNBC. I’m Al Sharpton, the host of my show, and today I welcome my special guest, President Obama’s formal vice, Dr. Joe Biden. Welcome to my show, Dr. Vice.
JOE BIDEN: It’s a pleasure to be with you, Al.
SHARPTON: You may call me reverend.
BIDEN: Of course, Reverend. And although I like the sound of it, I’m not a doctor. My wife is the doctor in the family.
SHARPTON: Your wife is a doctor?
BIDEN: Yes, Dr. Jill Biden. Must be a typo on your notes.
SHARPTON: It can’t be that. My notes come from a printer, not a typewriter. Does your wife work at a hospital?
BIDEN: No, her doctorate is in education.
SHARPTON: She’s a school nurse?
BIDEN: No, her expertise is in education.
SHARPTON: So she’s a school teacher. Nothing wrong with being a teacher. Teachers can have great influenza on children if they aren’t racist. Since you were Obama’s vice I assume your wife isn’t a racist.
BIDEN: My wife is just like me, we love people of color. Sometimes we even role play that I’m a black man who’s escaped from prison and she’s a lonely librarian longing for an exotic corn hole adventure. I mean … exotic carnal adventure.
SHARPTON: (raises eyebrows) Wow! Tell us more about that carnival, Dr. Vice.
BIDEN: I don’t think my wife would like that. You know what they say, hell hath no fruitcake … no firewall … hell hath no fury like a woman corned … scorned.
SHARPTON: Preach, my brother!
(Sharpton and Biden share an enthusiastic high five)
SHARPTON: Dr. Vice, you are one of the remaining concubines running for the presidential erection but now you’ve lost Iowa and New Hampshire. For many months you were at the top of the polls yet now you’re sliding down them like a fireman with greasy hands. What say you?
BIDEN: We’re only in the beginning of this race for the erection … election … and I’m confident we’ll be virgins … vaginas … we’ll be victorious. My campaign team is doing one hell of a job.
SHARPTON: They seem to be doing one hell of a job keeping people from supporting you. Like I said, you lost Iowa and New Hampshire and your poll numbers are dropping faster than Rosie O’Donnell falling off a ski lift. What say you?
BIDEN: You know what I think of poll numbers? I think poll numbers are a bunch of malarkey. Heck, man, do you know how many presidential concubines … candidates, didn’t win in Iowa who ended up becoming a camper thief, the commander and chief, when all was said and done?
SHARPTON: Fifty?
BIDEN: Well, I can’t tell you the exact number right now but I can assure you there have been a whole bunch of them. And anybody who disputes that can pull my finger.
(Joe Biden sticks his finger towards Sharpton)
BIDEN: C’mon, pull it.
SHARPTON: (Ignoring Biden’s outstretched finger) Dr. Vice, lots of political punters say you are messing up a lot when you talk. What say you?
BIDEN: Let’s get real, man. Do you really think after all these years I’m concerned with what political punters, pundits are saying? They’re more conniving than Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece. When I start worrying about those people it’s time for me to forget the erection … election. It’ll be time for me to get out of the race.
SHARPTON: The white race?
BIDEN: What? No, the presidential race. Stay with me, man.
SHARPTON: But you’ve made lots of mistakes during the rebates and at campaign rest stops.
BIDEN: I’ve always made silly mistakes when I talk. It’s who I am. I’m just a working class guy from Scranton. That’s coal country, man. People in coal country turn on the record player when they iron their shirts. I’m too real to concern myself with walking how I’m supposed to talk. Hell, I talked slang in Harlem with Miles Davis and Art Garfunkel, man. I know you know what I know I’m sayin’, Reverend Al.
SHARPTON: I don’t have any idea what you’re saying. I’ve never been in a coal mine. My home is the church because, as you seem to have mistaken, I’m a reverend.
BIDEN: Look, Reverend, you and I both know it’s not the words that come out of our mouths that matter, but the actions we speak that make our words say who we are. And gosh darn it, my actions speak words louder than my mouth does.
SHARPTON: Speaking of words, Dr. Vice, the other day you called a young woman a dog faced liar pony soldier. What say you?
BIDEN: I’m the first to admit when I make a mistake and I made a mistake that day. I should never have called that dog face a liar.
SHARPTON: Liar is a pretty damning accusatory, Dr. Vice.
BIDEN: Yes it is. And I’m the first to admit that it’s mean and insulting and it’s not what the American people want to hear from their doctor … from a residential concubine … presidential candidate.
(Joe Biden looks into the TV camera pointing his finger)
BIDEN: No man should call a woman a liar unless she’s died … lied. Just like a man should never hit a woman unless she hits him first. There’s no wiggle room on that, man. I’ve never hit a woman in my life and until one hits me I’m not gonna hit a woman. You can take that to the bank, brother. And I wanna remind all the men out there, if you don’t do something to make a woman hit you, you won’t ever have to hit a woman back. It’s that simple. And even more important … never, I mean, never spit in the face of a child. It’s not who we are as a nation.
SHARPTON: Whatever you say, Dr. Vice. So far President Obama hasn’t endorsed you and many say he has no plans to do so. What say you?
BIDEN: Of course he hasn’t and he’s not going to. I told him not to endorse me. He wants me to stand on my own two feet, not crawling back begging Michelle to pick me up with her big strong arms. Barack looks forward to seeing me with an erection … win the election, without his help.
SHARPTON: What if he endorses Mayor BootyJizz or Colonel Sanders? Won’t that hurt?
BIDEN: Like I said, man, I can win this race on my own and Barack knows it. He’s so confident I’m going to win this race that he’s going to endorse another candidate. Where I come from we call that respect.
SHARPTON: You’ve already lost two runs for president. What makes you think this time will be different?
BIDEN: I’m from coal country. We bake bread in our underwear, man. We know how to use a slingshot, we wear rubber boots when we dance and if someone asks what two plus two is we flip ’em over and give ’em a wedgie. We don’t use toaster ovens, we wear our aviators when we’re on the toilet and we always tell a gal she smells good before we kiss her. That’s who I am. Now stick that in your corn hole and smoke it. If somebody doesn’t like it I’ll take ’em behind the woodshed and break their nose.
SHARPTON: Well, that’s all the time we have, Dr. Vice. Thank you for appearing on my own show with me today.
BIDEN: It was a pleasure, Reverend. Put in a good word for me with the man upstairs.
SHARPTON: I’d be glad to. What floor is he on?
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